Touch Yourself For The Cause
National Masturbation Month. National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. You make the connection

Proud proud proud I am to be doing my part on National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Which is today, by the way. Which no one really expected you to remember. Which is just fine because they aren't exactly having a parade or serving drinks or bringing in strippers or anything. Which of course they should. But that's another column.

I am doing my part. I have very graciously agreed not to impregnate any teens for the entire week, so far as I know.

Not only that, I have officially chosen to serve this worthy cause by sponsoring, on a per-minute basis, some very munificent and warm-hearted "athletes" who are generously donating their time and energy and moist towelettes for a very special marathon, the Masturbate-A-Thon, in celebration of National Masturbation Month.

Oh stop it. You read correctly. I am not making this up. It really is National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy and it really is National Masturbation Month and just because the former is a dryly official completely unsexy government thing and the latter is a brilliant annual pro-sex PR event sponsored by Good Vibrations, which donates all the money from the Masturbate-A-Thon to women's health clinics, doesn't mean they aren't beautifully compatible.
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thanks to wood s lot