== Go Ahead, Make My Violent Phallic Compensatory Device ==
by Mark Morford
Smith & Wesson has introduced its biggest handgun ever, a .50-caliber Magnum, because if there's one thing the nation really needs during a time of war and ennui and manufactured hate and self-righteous chest-thumping patriotism, it's a big macho dumbass handgun for big manly monosyllabic troglodytes who really want to be able to blast the living crap out of a charging mastodon because the trailer-park bestiality porn just ain't doin' it for them anymore. The five-shot revolver with an 8 1/2-inch barrel weighs about 4 1/2 pounds -- roughly a pound more than the big black .44 Magnum wielded by Clint Eastwood in the Dirty Harry movies. It fires a new .50-caliber cartridge that the company said produces nearly three times the muzzle energy of the .44 -- or enough stopping power to bring down a charging bear. "The primary market for it is hunting" big game, spokesman Ken Jorgensen said, not sweating creepily and eyes twitching and darting around the room, as if waiting for lightning to finally strike him dead. "Plus, there ain't nothin' like it to silence a playground full of children or annihilate a few hundred tofu-suckin' liberal jackass pacifist tree-hugger commies or blast your way through some nosey cops who be snoopin' 'round the meth lab or drop a charging elephant at 50 yards, ya know?" he did not add. "Mmm, phallic."
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2003/02/13/national1107EST0565.DTL&nl=fix