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To the Spider Who Built a Web in the Frame of My Front Door Last Night While I Slept

"To the spider who built a web in the frame of my front door last night while I slept,

"First, allow me to introduce myself, little spider. My name is Frank. I live behind this giant gateway you’ve traversed with your butt-spindle. I suppose that makes us neighbors. Hello. Good day.

"Second, what the HELL, little spider? The front door? What insidious little idea manifested in your dust-speck brain that inspired such a thing? As Horace or Jerry Springer or maybe my middle school shop teacher once said, “If you want to see what a man is made of, have him walk through a spiderweb with a coffee in his hand while yawning.” Don’t judge me by this morning’s events.

"This was startling to me, and I’m sure the scare was reciprocated when you were lodged in my mouth, then quickly ejected from the hot, wet breath of my squawk. “OH MY FUCKING GOD,” I yelped, and then you flew. I know you have many eyes, but I’m not too terribly sure how many ears you possess, so if it’s more than just one or two, I apologize."