| Chronic Illness stinks...especially one that is an ICI (Invisible Chronic Illness). The only reason I'm using blog space right now to chat about my FMS, is because I feel so damn exhausted and worthless at this moment and I need a soapbox. Robyn, Jenny's 4 year old daughter, is doing a sleep-over tonight, and I'm stoked! I was energized enough to take a shower, and get dressed, and imagining being with Gordy & Robyn -- oooh, love-fest. But now, it's about 1/2 hour later, and they have not shown up yet, and I am ready to fall to bed, or couch, or floor -- I am so depleted, deflated, exhausted, tired, hurty, unfit, old and damaged. I phoned Gordy to say that as soon as Robyn comes, we should plan to grab a dinner, as I am fading fast and don't know how long I can last. Doesn't that stink? Here's this amazing little Girl who I love, and before she even shows up, I'm working on a negative energy level -- it hurts to smile, to move, to use my imagination (oops there goes the cognizancy) how can I play with this little one when there is no me to be there for her? I recall "wrassling" with Gregg (my Nephew, when he was Robyn's age) on the grass in front of a restaurant on the MA /CT border -- giggling, tickling, laughing, running, tripping and falling and playing with him -- oh joy, oh rapture, and here, thanks to FMS, it's a memory only, one I can't recreate with Robyn tonight, nor with Mikey (Katie's 3 year old)...I just hurt and am so tired...how will they ever *know* me -- the me that I remember, not this "sick" me. How will they ever find anything to love about this me? I certainly am at a loss to find any redeeming value in myself. I love them all so much! This (ICI) isn't fair for any of us. Really, honest and true, I'm not this tired old woman, I'm so much more fun!!!
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