| My mind is turning to things not so musical. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm leaning on the blue side of the spectrum tonight. There is a feeling of loss, or potetential for loss that pervades my mood -- just under the skin, not on the "tip of my tongue" but deeper in the core, almost ready to surface, but still hidden from consciousness. I should be elated because Gregg, will be coming to visit tomorrow -- he arrives in SeaTac from WI at 12:42PM via United, but there is a bit of blue, perchance "chagall blue" ? I think it may have to do with not having seen him in person since his surgery -- use of more than one sense is so important to the "big picture", making things real, and this visit illuminates how rarely I see my brother, Jim & family...I miss having *my* family, Joan & company; people who "knew me when"...people who have history with me and is family no matter what. I think I've always thought "family of choice" was of greater importance than "family of blood", but in my dotage, I'm not so sure anymore. There is no learning curve with one's biological family. But, I love so completely Gordy & the kids, and the kids' kids -- all of his siblings are wonderful! and Doris is all I could want in a "mother-in-law"...but there is that "in crowd" feeling and "odd (wo)man out" duality happening with the Coale family -- I feel on the edge of being a Coale, yet very definitely still a Gillman [and all the baggage that comes with it]. I wish I could put this "blue" to words rather than prattle on as I'm doing. I don't know how to narrow down the scope of this emotional ambiguity -- it's probably as simple as a "hormone thing" or my 50th approaching, but that doesn't ring true as I put "pen to paper" -- I yearn to belong, be a part of, have the security of, being loved "as is". While keying in the familiar retail "as is" my Dad's hand made signs manifested before my eyes and oh, they were frugally "mickey moused" and reused again and again, and it embarrassed Jim & Mom, yet here I sit and grin as I visualize them, and feel the associated moods, fights, dialogue and humor that their mere existence initiated, and yet nobody here knows about them...can validate my reality, my memories like my family can. I really hate to lose those horrible and wonderful moments of life...the minutae & their brilliant significance. I now know I am getting close to having defined this "blueness" because there is an easing up of, and recognition in, my core -- so I guess I'll stop writing now and just sit with this for a while. Peace.
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