| It's unbearable, but what can I do? I'm literally watching my beautiful yoko fail in front of my eyes. It's just happening so quickly, this slide down the slope towards some other place, not here of this earth. She won't let me comfort and pet her, she comes out, and sits, suffers a few pets from me, then she struggles so hard to get up and away from me, to hide behind the book shelf -- I am so familiar with that feeling, "leave me ALONE!", "don't touch", and whatever you do, don't love or be nice to me. It has been determined that she's dehydrated, how ironic is that, since one of her special "isms" and treats is to drink water from the cap of my water bottle. She and Cassie both found this such a treat of outrageous proportions...it happened when I came back from St. George Utah, Green Valley Spa, hiking the red rock canyons...it was then I started carrying a bottle around by my side wherever I go, and the two girls were curious -- what was so special? So I poured some from my bottle into the cap and offered it to them, held it, and they drank -- butting heads (buttonheads is my pet term ) pushing eachother out of the way for some licks of this oh so very special water...but I got lazy, I started to save the caps, and put two separate ones down on the floor [BTW, some how it has evolved to islands of caps, in clusters of about 9-15, gathered around the house] and I let them each drink from the caps on the floor, instead of holding the single one in my hand...I lost a lot of the intimacy of the act...but they still chose to "wow" for their water treat in the cap. Cassie, Yoko's littermate, has been gone since August of 2000. Now, I have 2 new cats who seem to think cap-water is pretty special too -- cat see, cat do?...and it's amazing how I've accepted & adopted such bizarre behaviour, having my floors littered with many water bottle caps of all shapes and sizes. -- it's perfectly normal to me! Unless someone says something when they first come to my house, I don't even *think* to explain. And, I can tell you that they can be perils of the evening, "booby traps" my Dad would call them, especially those clear caps...it hurts like hell to step on them -- barefoot! But, this remains a special treat -- I don't know who trained who -- but, yes, the most very special magic of the sharing of water from the same bottle and cap, drunk from my own hand, has been lost along the way of mundania -- I truly am regretting this ritual that she and I shared, this intimacy -- do you "grok"? Yoko just came out from behind the books, and Zach is sniffing her, and Olivia is venturing behind the books, well, going near, as is Zach. Originally it was Zach's hiding place .. he's so small, he gets into and behind most everything, but Yoko has commandeered the spot, it's almost sacrosanct these past few days -- Olivia who has been known to hang out there on occasion, but it must be some "girl thing" as she will not go where Zach dares. He's there now, and Yoko is out here lying on the carpet. Having checked things out, satisfied, Zach has emerged again. My three cats are here in this room with me. And I don't know what to do for Yoko. She is fading, literally. This is unacceptable. She can't go. I won't have it! Truth is I know I have no say in this...I can only love her, and ask /pray that she's feeling ok...that she's not in pain and scared...that she can feel breathe easy and know love...sleep dear girl...rest and be safe...I need for you to not be hurting or feeling abandoned or alone...I need you to feel like the lovely spirit you are -- If only I could comfort you like you've done so many times in our lives. I specifically remember that time at Lagoon Pt. when Mom and Dad "got to me" and I grabbed you, not Cassie, but you, and held you, and cried until your fur was damp, and I held on to you for sanity, for grounding, for comfort, rocking back and forth, wailing on the floor, just needing...and you were there...just there...just right, absolutely perfectly, for me. How can I be there for you? I love you. I want you to have an easy time. I almost I could let you out at night (like you prefer -- you ladie of the evening) and let you inhale the dark air and listen to the critters and let you be totally free, but that would be irresponsible and although it sounds romantic, it would be certain death and pain for you here on this wild, coyote-full island...and it would hurt, not be "nature" /natural for you to go that way -- despite the idea of you walking off into the jungle, free and alive and at home. So I shall keep you inside with me. And I will take you to your appt. tomorrow at 11:30 for more hydration. And, if you can rally, then Monday we go to the Vets as planned and you get your insulin levels monitored -- an overniter at the Vets (separation!), so that I can take you home, hope you eat your special food, and let me help you maintain a proper balance with daily insulin injections. Quality of life? If only you could let me in. Let me know what is your choice. In a pretty good world, you would battle-on, feel steady on your feet, regain your appetite, and breathe easy, chase birds, do your Yoko chirp, and regain your throne as Queen of the island, Her Royal Highness, Miz Yoko Auimeh Gillman -- Long live the Queen!!! Please?
breathe...
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