| I got to tell this out loud somewhere and this blog-o-mine is hardly read, so I figure this is a place to get the words out that are screaming inside me. I've been not doing swell, and Mom hasn't either -- and she's now got a "hate on" for me for some reason I can't get clear, or dig deep to find, or ask the right questions to figure out what is causing her this negativity about me -- maybe selling her house? I dunno. But after knocking my already bum knee into a chair, in just the right (wrong?) place yet again, so it is swollen and not easy to walk on, and not feeling just right in the gut for some undefined reason (and scared that it means and ER trip in my near future) and having spent thousands in this month's bills ad nauseum and feeling the pinch, I get a phone call today. Since I was feeling "off center" i.e. vertigo-ish, I didn't take Mom to her appt. at Waite's, Gordy did, and the RN too the opportunity to phone, and tell me privately, that the Mamogram I just took came out wanky, and I need a diagnostic one -- and I'm scared shitless. Yes, I am scared beyond words -- it's just the next last straw yet again! AND, the Imaging center at WGH can't get me in for the diagnostics until MAY 11!!! Sitting on this, and keeping it from Mom (she'll get freaked out that she may get left alone if I am sick) for all that time is not going to be easy on any level for me. I am so effing scared! No more surprises and health issues to fight, please? I am not sure if there is any more strength in me to deal. I'm so exhausted and tired, and I can't even get personal time to just BE. I have to be on guard for Mom and others 24x7. This is just one more thing that I am flying solo about, but without the privacy. So, who needs privacy when you can blurt it out on your public blog, eh? What was I thinking? But, if anyone reads this, please send me healing, positive, energy or prayers or light. I thank you in advance for even a moment's good thought. Chins Up!
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