Tomorrow is finally here..well close... and I'm scared to pieces and bits..I'm literally shaking.
I know I shouldn't be "freaking", but I can't stop it. I dunno if I wrote about this before, but a while ago I got a phone call from a nurse in Dr Waite's office, telling me I have to go for a "Diagnostic Mamogram" and it shook me up! Her "bedside", nay phoneside manner sure lacks. The way she told me, I felt this was a done deal...it has shook my world. I've been told to get another film before due to irregular readings, and needing to verify, but she told me that it is a DIAGNOSTIC one, and there's a huge difference between the messages. Now, to add insult to injury, the soonest they could get an appointment for me at WGH Imaging, was not until MAY 11th!!! Way too long to sit on this "secret". I call it a secret, because I didn't want to freak out my Mom. Whenever she thinks I'm ill, like when we go to the ER et al, or if I complain about something, she gets the bejeezus scared out of her because her "anchor" is in jeapordy, and that means she and her future is that much scarier. After a couple weeks, I told her what was up, because I think she was picking up on the vibes of "THE SECRET" (the capital letters are her's...her paranoia was exacerbated) so I determined that she really needed to hear that is wasn't about her and sending her away or anything like that. I think that it was the best choice after all. But back to today. I worked really hard to sleep away the day and hide from reality -- besides, when I talked to Gary Weil, MD (is this babbling and re-babbling of old news already written? mea culpa) he said I am not getting enough sleep, and that's the truth as we played detective as to "what is different" to make me so horribly sad and anxious...so I had some Rx upped in dosage. All this moving and tossing and trying to please everyone (and it is not working LOL...but I gots to try anyhoo) and they all need it done yesterday of course...but I haven't had time for me and to sleep during the day for a nap, nor am I able to quiet my mind to sleep at night...I can't even get my sleeping Rx to work...egads! But, I was able to zone out (mostly) today. And, Mom has come down with a nasty cough, and that is scary too. I'm glad that we have an appt. set up for her tomorrow. Phew! And, Kim will be helping Mom do her bills tomorrow, and will spend time with her which will distract her from where I'll be at WGH -- if she even remembers. Maybe she'll be "off" on a cellular level -- and Kim is a good person to be there with her! She's an amazing friend, and a great resource too...! Anyway, back to the appointment manana. So, it was slated for May 11th -- ugh, but I got it moved up after many calls, to May 3rd -- and I am afraid, and can not control that fear, it's just oozing again, after a decent job of denial and sublimation to date. So...I'm afraid and hurty and teary-eyed and on the verge of a "break down". Dang! I can't have Mom see that happen, it will scare her big time. Tomorrow is full -- I gots to go WGH, then Mom's appointment at Waite's office, then ...ahhhh, sigh of relief, my Marilyn appointment at 6:00PM -- she's my rock and tether...and I can be absolutely me with no editing required when I talk to Marilyn -- we do a phone session and it is so comfortable and easy to chat via the phone or face to face. Send light, or prayers my way if you read this! Time to sign off for now...toes and fingers are crossed (and I'm breathing shallowly -- b r e a t h e IN and e x h a l e! ). ##
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