| Waiting to go to WGH is nerve-wracking. This test should be pretty painless, it's an ultra-sound, and that should be pretty benign of a test...and I don't think they are gonna look much at the pieces part that they think is cancer -- they'll spend most of their time examining the cyst which they think isn't to worry about -- but, until they give me the "a-ok" on it, I can't turn my fear off. So, I'm shaking. Literally shaking. I'm sure all will be fine, and that I'll probably be ok (odds are in my favor re: the biopsy) but I'm a tenacious lass (at least and most politely put) and I don't tend to panic or make lots of noise in pain et al -- stoic is more like me, but once the guard gets let down, well...it's very hard for me to put the walls back up, or to stop my brain from going to unspeakable places. I'm scared. And it's a pretty day out, very pretty, and the yard is blossoming, and the catties are adorable, and I don't want to die...and that is what hit me yesterday, is that if I go beyond all the tests, and if needed, procedures, there still is a chance of dying. And, I don't want to die. I don't want to write my will. I don't want to have to rethink the process we have set up for Mom's care, and her assets, and think about who will be worthy of loving the catties as good as I do, and how to dole out my property etc. There are only two things that I own that are already going to a home, and that is my Chihuly "Jerusalem Spears" goes to Marilyn Kremen, and my recently handed to me by Mom, my "tit lady lamp" [that's my quickie description of it] goes to Kim Salyer. The lamp is of a lady doing mudras, and she may be shiva? or she may be quan yin, but she looks mostly like a thai lady to me, and she's beautiful and bountiful and this is the lamp that goes to Kim. The rest of my things, I really am at a loss on how to distribute things, and I am so tired of decisions I have to make for so many people...and, I'm shaking still, as I think of going north to WGH. I know, breathe......but, it's difficult. Chins Up! a la my Aunt Anna ##
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