| The brat is back today as I await for the appointment with the surgeon for the consult /preparation for the biopsy. I am literally shaking and finding it hard to breathe. Anxiety, you bet! Fear, mindless fear. It's hard to focus, and easy to snap at people. I did some deep cleaning around the house, just bits and spots, and as anyone will tell you, that is *so* not like me LOL. But that only helped momentarily, it really allowed me to think, and thinking is not good. It's not easy for my thinking to go in a positive way...my default is like my Dad's -- worry! Prepare! ad nauseum I phoned Swedish for an appointment with the folks recommended by Dr Kaplan, just in case, and I hope I can get in PDQ, so I can compare and contrast. I am sooooo afraid. Knowledge is power, but it also let's me imagine, factually, oy! There are risks and choices, and choices are not my forte, nor is change. Did you know getting a new diagnosis is change? Yep, it is! It's a life change. And, it's not always so easily fixed, actually it rarely is. For example, there is a good chance that there will be scar tissue, adhesions (remember that word in earlier posts?) which will make future mammograms and diagnosis very difficult. So, that's a scary change. Did I tell you I don't like change? Did I tell you my house has been changing (messily I might add) since last May /June? And keeps getting changed and rearranged and 3 very different styles of living exist in a very small space made for one...specifically made for moi! I built this with my furniture in mind. With my lifestyle in mind, and possible future lifestyle in mind in case I got seriously ill. Ooooops! I guess I tempted the fates by doing that, and here I thought I was being efficient and creative and ... well, nevermind -- suffice to note that it is far from what I hoped this space would be for me and mine. So, I'm hopping tht journaling this to the universe will dissipate some of my anxiety, and I hope that I will be proven to be afraid for nought, and that the biopsy procedures will be "cake" and easy recovery despite my chronic TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms) [i.e. MPS, FMS, TMD, TMJ, IBS et al]. And, the tissue will prove to be benign. Oh please please please?!? Well, Mom just broke my meditative spell of pouring fears out onto this blog, and I'm back to the way I was feeling as I began this entry. Caring for her is a whole other can o' worms to say the least. I'm soooooo exhausted, were that I could sleep right now?!?
If anyone reads this, please send healing and positive vibes and prayers my way. I am certainly a baby and a brat, but I'm willing to beg for help in hopes that y'all are willing to channel good feelings and prayers my way. Thank you in advance -- chins up!!! [oh, Aunt Anna I do miss you!]
Peace!
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