| Shhhhh....I've got a secret. It's sneaking in more and more, especially since today's meeting with the Surgeon. It is "the big sleep"...what if I'm dying? What if it is cancer, and it hasn't been caught in time? Apparently, the "calcifications" are "micro-calcifications" that have been seen on my mammogram since '02. The reason they have flagged it now, is that it's growing...i.e. more. So, what makes it cancer v. calcification? What makes it cancer v. benign? I'm sooooo scared. Terrified. Is there a word to tell you how shaken I am? I don't think so. And, these choices I make can mean life or death. Is the cart before the horse? You bet. But, what human who is going through this process, and as slowly as I have had to have it drawn it out, where one thinks of the worse possible scenario(s)? Is there a correct answer? Is there something MORE I should be doing? Have I forgotten to ask something, or try something? Where is God? Or Spirit? Should I be going to temple, or church, or should I go to a "healer"? What is the right combination of actions and beliefs and choices are there to make this be successful. Guided imagery? Imagining the cancer being in a fight with the medication? The miracle, where do I find it. How do I make it happen? I'm so tired and confused and afraid of my choices. I am so terrified. Oh, do I hope that all is benign and I have to enter a post here on this blog stating what a buffoon I've been, and I have to apologize for wasting bandwidth, and I blush ferociously while stating everything is OK, so nevermind. Please?!! I pray for help and guidance. I can not do this one alone.
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