| Today was a total mindblower...I am finding it hard to gain equilibrium. Just got home about 1.5 hours ago.
Here's the scoop from Dr H, the surgeon Dr Kaplan sent me to. He looked at the films and chatted with me and gordy and mom (I tried to get Mom to stay home, but nope..then to leave the room, but she hung in there...she's now taking atavan to help calm down...) then he went up with his radiologists to go over the films, then he came down again to "close". The radiologis pretty much confirmed what his impression was. Rather than excising the lump and all the calcifications, he wants to have the radiologist do "core needle biopsies" [those needles are BIG -- and it will take multiple "gunshots" to get what they want--ouch!]. I hate when MDs look to Gordy as "the man" and so when he nodded that he did wanna see it when offered by Dr H, [note -- this was at the same time I said I didn't want to] the doc pulled it out...dang! He enjoyed cocking it and "shooting".... His impression is that the "cyst" like thing isn't too much to worry about, but there are calcifications BEHIND it, closer to the chest wall..those he wants to grab with the core needle, and check out if they are cancer, but his gut says they are less likely than the 1 in 5 chance to be cancer [that would be good]. The nipple, well, the calcification is following a track that cancer usually does down the ducts, and under and up into the nipple. He thinks this has *more* of a 1 in 5 chance of being cancer, but it's at "stage 0". That's pretty much pre-cancerous and good to find and remove it. Unfortunately, if it is cancer, even stage 0, then surgery will follow. Due to it's location, lumpectomy is a toughie, so he's making statements like "removing the breast". OMG! It hit me in the gut this time to hear it spoken in almost a cavalier way. So, that's the scoop. I will be calling the radiologist after 9:30AM tomorrow for an appt. re: biopsy. They (the MDs) have a meeting each Wed AM where they discuss and view the films et al re: all their patients, and come to a consensus on treatment etc. So, I'll try to get in for the biopsy ASAP. Oh, yes, one term he put out there "underlined" was DCIS. I definitely belive that Dr H really does know his specialty...but.. ..the two things that are "flags" besides "what if it truly is cancer" are: 1) My PCP (primary care provider) and the local surgeon I met with, both seemed to want to go and excise it totally, not core needle it. 2) When I spoke to Dr H, according to him, there is no way I can be sedated and put under at all. Shit. He really didn't believe, or respond to positively to my telling him "I don't want to be a hero," and that "I can't ever recall relaxing," and that "I am afraid of the Pain -- capital P pain, it is an entity that I've lived with way too long,"...! He also wasn't thrilled that I take oxycontin (even at my small does), you can tell that he believed, as do other MDs, that this fact means I'm a slack, druggie, Republican Politian?, whatever. Historically, that has never been something that endears me to them -- they look at me with suspicion...like the reason I'm in front of them is because I want to get high. What are they thinking? They have a warped sense of reality methinks. What I'd give to just be healthy! I love being pigeon-holed! ;p~~~~~ That's the story for now.
## PS oh yeah, I got there at a bit after 3:00, like I was told for my 3:30 appt. He didn't see me until 4:20ish and at 4:40 head upstairs to get to the radiologists before they left at 5:00 for the day. And, then, afterwards, he seemed "put ouit" & "hurried to get out"; so my comfort level with him, and asking things was lessened. Even the front desk person(s) also was bookin', and ready to leave...as I gave her the address to my PCP's to mail his findings to, I reminded her I was here EARLY --> please don't be angry with me...why do I have to feel like crap for someone else's screw-up? Methinks my ego is at an all time low, and I'm really scared to upset the universe in any way -- sort of like some superstition? This feeling is wrong, this feeling so awfully small and insignificant, yes? Time to call Marilyn, I promised, but I'm not in the mood to say it out loud...shitshitshit
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