| We went to the MD's yesterday because Mom has a rattle-y cough that got worse over the weekend and with her asthma, I didn't want to mess with it. More good news bad news. Good news is;
Dr Waite got the MRI results back, and he said that there were no indications of severe strokes, or the fluid on the brain!!! Yeeeha Gerry -- way to go, no brain surgery or issues to mess with -- Phew! Also, her cough isn't like her previous bout, where her lungs didn't clear up, so we just keep on with the OTC medicine, and and the end of the week, if she's worse, we start another series of anti-biotics then (this is a neat one -- you only take it for 3 days!). Lastly, he did another abdominal x-ray, and her insides look way cleaner now -- time to make sure that she is not soiling, or leaking, or having accidents. All could be goodness on that front! So, what's the bad news? Well, there are no more obstacles that allow me to face reality and keep putting off the need to start making appointments for a place for Mom to live other than with us. I can not explain the horrible feelings I have about this, the failure, the letting her and Dad down, the belief that this is the beginning of the end of things, an era, a family, a life, and the brutal reaction I anticipate from Mom when the deed is done -- where I sign on the dotted line, and we pack her stuff up, and take Mom to her new place, and she begs me to take her with me, etc etc and I have to ignore it and walk away, with promises of visiting, which won't take the hurt and angry look from her eyes as I leave, and as I visit in the future, and every day, a new betrayal in her eyes, with new hate (Mom does that one really well I'm afraid) and then the next stage will be "the call" with a fait accompli, or time for me to make the final decision to let her go -- this is too much to bear, for me to bear. And keeping this secret from her, oh sh**, this is so hard for me to have to do -- it goes against my core being. To say the least, it was a bad Marilyn session today...and I'm still trying to find my center, gain equilibrium, stop that emptiness, feel less ashamed and afraid and blue. Ahshit.
##
|
