| Desperation, lost, heartbreak, frustration, depression -- I want to hide - be unseen it's been a bad day. Last night Carol left early having got herself in a situation where Mom fell, and she tried to hold her from falling. She will be out for a week. Last night I took early shift with Mom, but Gordy took the brunt of the night with her. Instead of callling me to as we planned, to take Mom to the john, he did it solo. This AM he said he was up all night and exhausted. I know he's beat. Today, Kathy from Homeplace came to visit and talk. Here's the "letter" (unedited - typos & poor grammar included) I have written to set the meeting up, and us 4, Kathy, Gordy, Mom and I would start on the "same page" prior to questions and assessment and suggestions.
Friday 27-january-2006Dear Bahmu, Carol had to leave last night, so gordy will be waking you up this am.
He's there, because you fell on Wednesday, about noon, starting up the stairs, and fell on your back, and hit your head on the leather couch -- OUCH! You were in incredible pain. I dialed 911, and we went by Ambulance to the WGH's ER.
We were really lucky that you didn't break anything!!! But pain is going to be your 'partner' for the next few days for sure. They also found a bladder infection, which I've since learned can be the cause for you to lose your footing /balance, and fall. So, you're on Anti-biotics, which will also help your cough. You may notice some wheezing, that's the cough working at you, so Albuterol is the way to go for now, along with cough medicine. One more piece of the puzzle as to why you may feel not quite yourself, is that we're switching over one of your medicines (per Dr Little -- what you were taking was affecting your walk and your animation -- we all see improvements already YAY) to one that won't create those symptoms.
I left some clothes out for you to change into -- if you don't feel good about them that's cool, but i'd really really really like you to try the chinos I bought you -- break 'em in and all?!? But you're the boss! ;-)
I'm setting my alarm too - cuz we're having company. She's coming at 11:00 today. Her name is kathy. Kathy is an expert in eldercare. She is coming here to meet with us, and chat about her thoughts on how to make YOU feel safe, and more importantly BE safe. She'll probably talk and ask questions and look at your room and bathroom and give us feedback. I was so incredibly scared when Carol said you were unwell last week, and we ended up taking you to the ER regarding your logy-ness and slow replies. It turned out that it was just the combination of Rx you were taking, and the transitioning of same. But I was afraid for you, afraid i did something to hurt you!!! And, when you fell -- backwards and hard and were on the floor groaning loudly in pain, asking for the EMTs to come already, I was so afraid that you would be a "statistic" i.e. -- Older woman falling and breaking something...and to see you in such agony -- it was awful!!! And on another level, we have did some managing of your fear by hiring someone for a few hours nightly to sit with you while you get ready for, and go off to sleep, but you still have fear a lot of the time, something you can't put to words, and maybe Kathy can help us in that area as well, as she has had experience with other people via eldercare, and having a history of being an RN. So, by now, you are waiting for me to put on my face, and maybe talk to you, so I hope to help you with any questions before Kathy drives up. I love you more than you can ever know or imagine -- xoxoxoxo+ ..me
PS if you have any questions, Gordy can write 'em down for you as you think of them, or i can when i come down.
lovelovelove always and all ways
Also, my left hand is starting to come back into Carpal tunnel mode, and so i might have to get the surgery I put off before via a shot of a version of cortisone, and it's wearing off, so I Kathy may have some ideas on how Gordy can take care of me and you if I'm out of commission with only one working hand, and extra pain meds to boot. Also, I won't be able to drive at all, and I will have to got to physical Therapy, and using only one hand for everything, even dressing? and /or showering?!? shivers -- I can't imagine -- and then it will be time to do my right hand next..egads and gadzooks!!!
So, we're looking for ideas and help and with a professional perspective to boot!!!
--
The meeting went well, Mom said that if I need to have surgery, to help me and Gordy out, she's stay there temporarily. She also said she would prefer a Single room, so at least we have that resolved.I felt like scum that she'd be willing to go somewhere she didn't feel good about,probably, with the effects of alzheimers added in, terrified of going somewhere "alone", simply because she loves me and would do this for me to make surgery /recovery easier. Damn, how evil am I playing on her love. So, it was a nice chat with Kathy, and I took a snap so Mom will be reminded as to who Kathy is, and that we did speak prior to her going. But it also feels sort of sneaky now, dirty. Then, because Gordy is beat, and my knee has swollen up and is "blown" [I have an appt. - the soonest was feb 10th - with dr Waite for it...a long time to hurt and probably hurt it even more..] I called IHN to get another person to spend the night and help Mom walk to the john, she isn't constantly steady yet, and tomorrow during the day. Then IHN used attitude with me again, and with my current pain, and Gordy's exhaustion, there was no way we could get out to bring in the items they required. So, I was ready to deal with it myself, then she came up with an alternate option, and so we were back on. Later, I called my dear dear neighbor Gae, and she went to bayview Senior Center and grabbed a commode, and dropped it off for Mom to use. I phoned IHN to let them know we had one. But, I was pretty beat up (more beat down). Then Gordy said I am in denial about Mom. He may be right, but another attack at me. I am defeated and can't be strong for Mom and fight for her dignity right now. I am truly scum and am letting her down. I have no where to turn. No way to find support. No way to get anyone to fight for Mom's rights and her dignity and to treat the HUMAN piece of her that has a disease, instead of the seeing the list of chores and how it impacts their lives. It is so hard to try to fight for her anymore -- I feel like such a bad daughter, letting both my Mother and my Father down, big time. I don't know what to do, where to turn -- I am failing her and myself.
And there is no where to go to get a much needed hug right now. I want to crawl away and be unseen and not here on this planet. I am ashamed and other people also have told me that I've done bad things and made wrong choices despite how hard I have tried and regrouped over and over again. I need help, something, someone, anything.. someone on my side? someone to help me speak my truth, or coach or ease me to learn new truths, there has to be someone who will understand and not attack what I am trying to achieve, some life, some dignity, some laughter in Mom's life, some peace and safety, time without pain, psychic or physical...serenty, peace, love and safety -- that shouldn't be such an impossible goal, should it? I'm hanging by a thread. I'm alone and ashamed and frightened and so insecure... ..to move even one step forward seems insurmountable, impossible, I feel so teeny, small, were that I could simply shrink to nothing and *poof* away....
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