| I just took some stadol -- I'm feeling a bit tummy wonky but before I doze off, the latest with Mom is that she wanted to come home today again with me and it hurts. She pulled back when I told her she couldn't, so I asked if she was angry at me, and she said she was. I knew she was. It kills to be a part of all of this unhappiness she has. I also find that I am out of whack with the world and out of kilter even with myself and that can't be good. I also realized that I have been very very hard and have my walls up during the day, and in front of people, but once home, well, I can lose it at home at night, especially if Gordy is away, then I have been actually bawling -- not just crying, but wailing when I'm alone. I was sitting "indian style" and my tears ended up soaking, visibly, my pant bottom. I just really really hurt so deeply and don't see any ways out of this chasm. So, most of my posts will still be sporadic, and potentially distant or just not as typical as it had been so far.
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