| Another shocking visit with Mom today. I still am hopeful that WSH can do something for Mom *IF* they move quickly. Today, as we entered, she was walking hunched, pulling at her slacks (she HATES fly front and they share clothing there, nothing is personal) and when we saw her and called out to her, she looked up and recognized us, and maybe a small grin. One scary thing was that she in no way stands out anymore, even looking for her white mane of hair. They had cut her fingernails, that's ok, but they didn't take the garish red polish that UGH prolly put on when she was at Sedro-Woolley, so it looked really pathetic and like the novelty hands that are available at halloween with bloody stubs for fingers and at the wrist. We were led out to the "porch" -- a concrete slab on the 2nd floor, but with a nice view and, I imagine when the weather isn't sweltering, a cooling gentle breeze. There is an attempt at making it pretty with some hanging baskets of flowers, but there is still a long way to go. We had it to ourselves for a fairly long while. They brought her dinner out there. Just a bit earlier, I showed Mom her goodies of her Starbucks Mocha Lite (she calls it her "chocolate milk") and a blueberry muffin. The food was prepped for a person with teeth, and this time she had none. Somehow she's lost her lower teeth. Gordy went out to try to get the uppers, he was successful, but, despite Mom trying so hard, she could not open her mouth enough to get them in. So sad. And she really tried for us too. It broke my heart to see her suck on the leaves of the spinach salad for the dressing. She actually tried to swallow a leaf, and it came back up. She then ate a bit of mashed potatoes, Gordy encouraged her by feeding her, but about 1 and 1/2 of a small spoonful went down. She seemed to grab a bit of the turkey in gravy, and also the veggies, but, it later, about 30-45 minutes later, came back up and out of her mouth whole. She's getting no nourishment. And she's dropping weight at an incredible rate. At one point I had to take Mom to the john, and she had soiled herself, and they had given her the wrong type of "adult diaper", and it was already rewrapped so that the sticky parts were touching her inappropriately, and soiled too. I grabbed it off, and Gordy got someone in to help clean her and bring a depends. It exhausted her. Her legs are in so much pain, and people trying to change her, well, they touch her calf and feet, and that gets her screaming in pain, and trying to get any and all of us to stop, but we have a job to do, so we keep hurting her in the process, and she pinched one of the caregivers trying to get attention and get her /us to stop hurting her. I don't call that hitting out or striking out. I call it communicating. She can't speak sentences that are not words strung together (that appear random to us) that don't make sense. At one point, when Gordy and I were alone, I told him to put on the game face. He couldn't keep it up until he made a huge effort. He looked so sad for Mom. Mom knew him and me frequently. She told me how much she loved me, and how good I looked, and other nice things, all the while I am the one who got her here in this state of non-health by choices in where she should stay. I don't listen to my gut enough. Everytime I don't, I regret it. She should have been out of HomePlace after the first trip to UGH. Damn. Then there are subsequent regrets. Today it took about 3.5 - 4 hours to get there due to 3 boat wait and traffic!!! Seeing her only once a week is not good enough. She changes frequently, and I am not there to see it and give ideas and such based on a current state of health. Quite a few times she called Gordy, Jim, and when she didn't look up at my face, she talked about her daughter or Jonni to "Jim". Whatever makes her feel safe works for Gordy and myself. But Gordy has been amazing, always, with Mom. Certainly this is not pleasant for anyone, let alone Gordy who inherited this family. We both are drained and miserable after a visit, and frustrated and the lack of them "hearing" and acting on things and getting it done for Mom.
Western State Hospital -- not the building Mom is in
I tried to phone the Social Worker and leave a message when I got home, but he is on vacation this week - egads!!! Mom did, at first, have some twinkle in her eye, some flirtiness (is this what those UGH bozo's think is sexual?), and teasing words or looks, and roses in her cheeks...but maybe it was the heat giving her a "blush". But, when we left her, she was asleep in the chair, then we moved her into bed, and she was screaming in pain, but finally in bed, clothes on, shoes off. The clock was ticking away -- at 7:00 she will get the much needed viodin. I left crying, believing that Mom is dying and will never reach the 30 day mark that will let her come back to a private place...and if, when I talk to Dr K tomorrow, he says that her time is short, I will do what I can go get her home again, and get hospice -- but will the actual ride be too much for her? So many unknowns. And Mom is so very sick. I love her I love her I love her -- she's amazing and proud and strong and should not be going through this pain emotionally and physically and in such a scary place. One of the patients came up to me and he intimidated me and I just hoped I said the right thing in reply...and I'm "well", what about my poor Mother all alone? Man, I don't think she weighs far from 100 lbs. Please give me the wisdom and intuition to make Mom's life as easy as it can be. Please let Mom feel safe and rested and without pain. She's earned it many times over. I love and miss her. We did have a small "miss you" cry together, but we only allowed ourselves a small bit of tears...two Gillman Girls trying to be strong for eachother. That's true love. Oh this hurts so much.
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