| I had a huge "wake-up" call earlier this AM, about 4:00AM. I was on ER alert again. I couldn't sleep, and my stomach had *the* pain. I was terrified. The bruises are just turning that pale yellow now, on their way out, and getting ripe again for new assaults on my veins (which tend to have a mind of their own; they roll away from the person looking to get it...smart veins, but bad for me). It took the ER guy 5 tries before he called in other help, who took 3 tries before she made SURE it got in, and that one ended up getting red, swollen and hard during the week in hospital, which means it probably was not completely in the vein -- ugh. I just have so many resolutions I want to keep. So many changes I am trying to implement.
And, I still am just the same person, trying to make it happen quickly, or at least quicker than I am able to do, or my body is ready to take, and it let me know in a way I am likely to "listen" that I'm to do it slowly; s l o w l y, not at my preferred pace; the ol' sheer will gets you through it, type-a, nownownow no yesterday pace. It is such a hard lesson for me to grasp and implement. And, I'm also afraid that I'll lose my resolve if I don't make it part of my life ASAP. I'm afraid still of so many things, and failing to achieve this new stance, one of strength and independence is a frightening one. I want so badly to do the things I need to be able again, at least as able as my "disabled" body will let me. I doubt I'm being very articulate, or saying what I want to say in an understandable way (I know that can't be a real word - understandable) but maybe it will remind me later if I ever read this again that I am doing the same wrong things; working too hard, too soon, before I'm able, or my body is ready to accept where I'm pushing myself. I'm in it for my life, so slower is ok. The week in the hospital offered me life-long modifications and mindsets, so make changes in moderation, make them stick, give them a chance to work for the long distance, not sprint. This is hard to do. I think I'm pretty binary when it comes to me. I am either full-bore, or stopped. That way of life will get me in hospital, N/G tube or surgery, every time. Oh, if only I were a mellow woman . It figures that part of the "sixties" culture didn't ever make it into my world.
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