Dialing her number, ringing...ringing..rin, "Hello?",
Hi Mom!
Honey! How are you? Where are you? Is everything all right?.
Yeah Mom, nothing new, I just wanted to reach out and touch...you know....
I'm here, I love you *mwaaaah*
*Mwaaah* back at you. So, I'm just a little bit blue. I hurt all over, I'm at about a 7+/- and I can't sleep hardly at all, and the pain feels worse when I am trying to sleep, and then the ol' catch-22...because the lack of sleep exacerbates everything else that is wrong, right?.
I'm sorry, I wish I could help.
Me too. And I know you and I aren't feeling good about November, with your anniversary coming up on the 23rd, and the holidays, and then Jay's anniversary of his death on the 26th -- Poor Joan, her birthday must always stink on some level. It's funny how you always phone Terri and I always phone Joan on Mike's birthday, and the day Jay died. Oh Mom, I'm missing Daddy a lot, a real lot lately. It comes and goes, but it's never far away..the missing him.
I know sweetheart, me too, even though I'm still so mad at your father for leaving me ! But he tried really hard at the end, his heart stayed so strong, he really didn't want to go . Isn't there anything I can do for you? Can I go shopping for you, or cook you something good?
Nah, but thanks Mom. My tummy hasn't really stabilized since the last hospital stay, so maybe a rain check? How about we go out to Mike's, or Knead and Feed some other day?
Sure, you just let me know when.
Have you noticed that Gordy has been tired too, and he's coughing an awful lot lately? I can't get him to see the doctor or stay on top if it with cough medicine. I'm concerned, but he just doesn't listen to me. I'm like the Far Side cartoon where the only thing he hears, like what a dog hears, is his name when I speak, or maybe the pregnant pause so he can make a noise like he's listening. I find I use the "just grunt" saying that you always used on Dad when he didn't acknak you.
They are like that aren't they? Men I mean
Yep, men! And on the other hand, with women, well, I think I hurt Kim because of my being a recluse of late. I'm so bummed by that. I did phone her today, and she was home, so got a chance to talk it out today. I just feel so out of control, everything is just so out of reach and such a mess, figuratively and literally! My house is just so messy and cluttered, I have no where to just "be" anymore, no sanctuary, or solo spot. And with my not feeling good enough to drive, I get so wiped out, I am cooped up in the dark in here and I hate it. I have to take care of my place, the wood floors are a mess, and I haven't dusted in ages, and the clutter, you know me, the clutter, well my place looks like total shit, including the yard.
Jo..ann!!! Watch your language!
Haha Mom, riiiight! You and I both know that it's your favorite word....
It is not...well, yes, but...
OK, sorry Mom. I just am so zonked that I don't have any social skills or speech filters. I'm worried about keeping the house, and taking care of it, and the hospital bills are coming in, and I have to cancel appointments because I just don't seem to have enough time anymore, or energy and I feel like a total failure because I can't get a handle on things!
I know Honey, but I'm here if I can help in any way. And, I know you, and I know you will figure everything out and get it done. I've an idea; why don't you just turn on some music, lay down with the kitties, and just rest. Don't worry about bills or deadlines or your pain etc. -- just for a little while; try. Pretend your mind is an inkwell, and just pour in clear water, and let it keep imagining it flowing and washing the ink away until it's clear again. Everything will still be there for you later, so just take some time for yourself. Jonni, you know you have to stop feeling everyone's pain, you're too sensitive, you have to get a callous.
Thank you Mom, I love you.
And I love you too darling, now get some sleep if you can, call me later.
Ok, thank you for being there for me, talk to you anon!
[end fantasy]That's how it used to be and that is exactly what I need right now...or better yet, to hop in the car and take a short trip over to Mom's for a hug, and to see myself through her eyes. I'm soooo bereft and empty without her. Yesterday she was very "off", and not kempt at all, and when I came in, she was having some issues with one of the care-givers, and then I walked to her, said I Mom, and it took a bit before she looked up, saw me, and then cried, Oh!! and she then called for Raymond. My poor Mom. I kills me to have her there, and for her to not improve. Things change, but not necessarily for the better. Shit. Mom never liked containers or bottles on the table, and the last time she really did some weird things with her food, so I figured this time we would bring paper plates, napkins, a cup, and two gold spoons
(her regular flatware). It really worked out well. She was happier and ate what she was served on the plate, and had seconds etc. She did have dessert first who wouldn't, a chocolate cake with mousse and semi-sweet chocolate. Yum. I will bring her more on Monday when we have the meeting. I have to start a letter /note so I can get the questions down and not miss them. We have to get up so incredibly early, like when we went the first time at admissions. It seems light years ago. Shit. She spoke a few times about leaving this time. In some ways she's more like her "regular" self, more aware etc, and more disturbed by her surroundings in this awareness. I still don't see how she can be helped to be readied for a private place, but it has to happen!!! I miss her horribly. And the drive is killing both Gordy and I. Shit. In many ways, her "black eye" looked worse! She said it didn't hurt, but there is this one very bright red spot that concerns me, among the yellow, blue, black that remains of her "shiner". Shit. When we left E-8 (they have to unlock it) she started to rattle the door to go with us. This hasn't happend for a very long time. And I left her there. Shit. Shitshitshit. I'm beat and hurting...and I think I wrecked my right knee in the shower yesterday...shit!
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