| Another All-nighter. Time to talk about some very real issues that feel like a lose-lose no mattrer the course taken. Yes, it has to do with Mom. i have been writing documents, answers, notes, doing just about anything I can so that I can be "heard" or listened to by the good folks at WSH. I am not being sarcastic about the people being good at WSH. They really are very good. The problem lay in their inability to hear me, or maybe it's how I say it, but they always end up ignoring my words. It is easy to feel defeated and unimportant. I know Mom, they don't. I keep urging them to ignore words from UGH and/or HomePlace because some erroneous data was perpetuated, such as stating se is allergic to peanuts. I remember tryng to correct it at HP, then UGH, but despite their promses to fix it, it never is remedied. To them t isn't important, but for Mom, wth her world so small, to be allowed Peanut butter could potentially expand her diet a great deal. Puree's BBQ Pork can't be too palatable. I spoke to Brian, the social worker, today, and I know he didn't get what I was proposing today as a way to get Mom readied to be checked out by faciliies, and maybe get accepted nearer to me. Brian did repeat things I said or referred to impressions from what I wrote, so at least he is on the same page, but somehow, he never took it in. So yet another disconnect. He's a really caring man, but, despite Mom's inability to meet their requirements to get her released using the techniques and medicine they've tried to date, somehow, even though he sees no sign of improvement, he feels that Mom responds well to care-givers, MDs, Rns, and tell the story about how she reacts well with him. He said that when he comes to visit, she perks right up and all smiles, and he holes her hand and they chat a bit. I believe that this happens. In fact I could predict it. But this is a survival method of Mom's. She may or may not have recognition when she sees him, but since he's a man, and he wears at least a sport coat, she can guess that he is an authority figure at WSH, and so she wants to be charming, act well, and prove to him she's fine, and tries to impress on him that she's a "good girl" so she should be able to get home. I know this to be true, This is behaviour I've been privy to all my life, and seen her modify this charm and be the good patient, and to not complain, so she can get home without any tests or diagnosis, or medicine. She uses with men, twinkling baby blues, and teasing, being coy, and the "Blanche DuBois" syndrome of "I always relied on the kindness of strangers..." behaviour to redirect THEIR focus, especally focus on her "bad" behaviour. She is much better at this "redirect" way of manipulating a situation than they are. But they go by what they see, and how she responds, and then I come in and toss the proverbial monkey wrench in their training and theories, and they see her be charming, and presume that this is her level of feeling good, when it is so contrary to appearances. Mom gets either more docile, charming et al, to manage them to do what she wants, or she'll be loud and try to get attention, or then she'll be "the boss" or "cruise director", aka "get in their faces" and make demands, or try to rally the other residents to join her, so she can have "control" over her ever-diminishing world. I also sound whacko when I tell them that when I'm alone with her, she often "shares" issues with me that never come up between them. Her guard can stll come down with me, but to the staff, I just sound loco, since I'm the only one who hears it. So I have no crediblity. I try to use Gordy as my "beard" and have him be the "voice of reason" and tell them things, and they usually listen to him, but he's not assertive enough so it isn't taken as seriously either. Time is not our friend. We need Mom to move sooner than later back to a facility local to me. I would post my correspondence in this blog, but out of context it doesn't make much sense, and it truly does need context. I am really overwhelmed and depressed and find it difficult to even sleep, but once asleep, to wake up is about as much as I can do. I am so far behind on everything in my life. And there is nothing that makes me joyful anymore. I don't want to talk to my MD about it, because to add more Rx, or increase my dosage, well, I just don't feel it is right for me. Speaking of medicine, I also think that my pain levels are increasing, partially due to the barometric changes, but I think I'm building up an immunity to it now, and will have to chat with my other MD to see if it makes sense that my Rx needs adjustment, but that's not something I want to do either. I am just a blob of pain and brainlessness and unhappy...plua I still haven't found a way to be finally lstened to by them (WSH), or be able to think up a way to get Mom home (i.e. an idead they can agree to). So, a whole lotta self-destruction set in. I am back to creating more chaos in my house, i.e. the environment reflecting my internal disarray...or my withdrawal from the "real world" except to address criss that come up, and then just crawl back into myself. I have seemed to have found myself in a rut and there is little incentive to try to crawl out of it. Responsibility seems to be my driving force for even waking up. oh dear, i'm babblng and am exhausted. I have to come back to edit this, or if I still am this low and apathetic, it stays as is. Feel free to avoid reading this. I need sleep, maybe the sleepng pill is taking a bit o' effect, so I'll stop writing now so I don't miss the few zzzzzzzzzzz's I coulde try to catch. Peace.
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