| Our visit with Mom tonight totally drained me. She apparently had been hitting [at] people today. After talking with Tammy, it came out that last night they didn't give Mom her medicine. Well, that surely would take it's toll on her physically, emotionally, and mentally -- so it seems unfair that she be penalized for their not working it to give her her final Rx du jour. Today they gave her an extra Atavan, and she quieted down. She's also on Oxycodone TID, which means she has pain, real pain, that they are keeping her system full of pain meds. Poor Bahmu. But I'm glad they are not sweating it, and have decided to keep her pain meds consistent. They also give her Tylenol PRN to help the swelling and pain. Mom's right shin FINALLY has closed up, the sore she had, and I'm stoked about that. Mom looks so thin. She wasn't in layers, and her arms were exposed. Damnit, she's skinny.
Tammy said she doesn't eat much, they use Ensure to basically maintain her diet. When she has food, she's always giving it away. I know this stems from her Hostess tendencies, but I also know that she never ever ever likes to eat in Public. She hated to eat out. I think I'll write or call and suggest she eat in the room we meet in. Apparently, she sleeps on the recliner in the evening. She ate quite a bit with us tonight. That was goodness. But it speaks volumes re: something being wrong that she won't eat their food. We leave leftovers, and I guess the "american spaghetti" is what she eats most of, but she still tries to "share". Gordy's take on Mom tonight was that she was like last visit, but I sensed a "mania beneath the surface" for lack of a better description. She was sort of "hysterical" beneath it all, being a bit too "high" re: being hostess, and chatting us up, etc etc. She looks so wrong. Yes, she's gorgeous as usual, but there was something, to my eye, that was wrong and gave me a warning,"danger alert defcom 3" type of feel. I was left totally drained tonight, and cried some and just feel wrong. It's been way over a year! At this point, I wonder if she's happier with the "routine" she has. Again, Tammy said she takes walks with the guys here, other patients, and Chuck Harris, the psychiatrist, takes Mom for walks when she is upset. These people know her very well. They also are familiar to Mom. I would hate to have her stay here, but maybe at this time, she would be most happy here? I don't know. I can't ask. She has a mini wall up. I am overwhelmed with not knowing, nor intuiting what is best for Mom. I have failed her on so many levels, and I just want her to feel safe and her to be surrounded by the things and people that make her feel comfortable enough to just be herself, warts and all. But I don't know that this is the place either. Of course, I don't have the power to change it -- that is because of the actions of HomePlace etc way back when that got her under state care, by "streeting her" way back when. Damn. I love and miss my Mother. I want her to be as okay as she is capable of being. I want her to feel love and safe and her to feel special as she has always been treated throughout her life. To have lost the power of communication, speech, one of her tools to charm and cajole is gut-wrenching to watch. I love her more than words will ever ever ever be able to convey. But loving her isn't making things better or right for her.
Mom!
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