| Just a ramble about the recent "holiday season" and Momstuff et al. I just got off the phone with Tammy, and during the chat, I couldn't help but start to lose it and cry-cry [cry-cry = tears non-stop /snotty messy cry too much info perhaps? it's not necessarily a loud cry]. We still haven't had our christmas with the kids, the grandkids, Kim and family, or my IA gilpeople yet. We're so overloaded and exhausted. It's been a very tough coupla months. As I think I mentioned, or maybe not, it started to get scary with Mom when she stopped eating, and was dx's with pneumonia! That made G and I amp up our visits to her - food in hand, with our lovely acoutrement, such as using real baking dishes [chinese red of course] and our typical lights and candles, with music on my "shaker" mp3 player, and laptop with asst photos loaded for a slide show, and placemats and cloth "napkins" and pretty disposable cups and plates, but with real flatware to make it more festive, and attractive and hopefully more exciting to eat. She did do well, and has now come to a point where she eats regularly, instead of a bit o' the "ensure" for nourishment. We also spent thanskgiving there, and with G's Mom, Doris, and xmas eve with both Mom's too. In the mean time, we come at least weekly too. One night found us at the ER with her. As we walked into the building, I saw to my left an ambulance and in my gut "knew" it was for Mom. I was right unfortunately. This was #2 of a series of 3 falls, all due to interaction with another patient. Her fall this time into the wall actually put a huge crack /dent into it over a foot long. As G said, lucky it wasn't at the stud. So we followed Sharon to the ER at St Clair (I am still so NOT impressed with their "level" or care, i.e. bedside manner -- ugh, but we lucked out by having a new RN, he was still kind to his patients, i.e. Mom, and I hope they don't get to him, and the MD was nice as well). Mom had x-rays and CT scans, and I got the pleasure of being there to help with the x-rays and the head CT-Scan. The good news was that nothing was broken, but finally they saw what I had been telling them all along about her severe OA in her small of her back, and the degeneration of the spine there -- that piece was new to me. It frightens me. They have also noted that she had a bad sinus infection. And it explained what I had noticed of late, her bad cough. They weren't able to give her the much needed pain pill she needed, apparently they were not willing to crush it and put it in fud, but they started her on an antibiotic. As of the most recent test(s), she still has fluid in her lungs, no more, no less. This has created a lot of options where they want to do tests, blood transfusions, etc etc, and they all are outside WSH, since WSH is not a medical hospital, but more a psych related hospital. This doesn't bode well for health tests that the elderly who are there need -- most importantly to me, my Mom's needs. So I had long talks to figure out what I deemed was OK and what was outside the box for Mom to get re: tests. It is so far from easy -- I hate putting her through such anxiety. What they found to date is that she does not have the cancer in her abdominal area despite the indication that it was likely from other tests. There may have been a heart episode, but to date, after I OK'd the echo cardiogram, Mom would not go to the facility for the test, so it's still an unknown. I don't know if they will be rescheduling it or not. If it is heart, I will not let them do anything without first consulting me, and also told them, comfort measures only in all things. I spent almost an hour with Chuck on the phone re: her Rx. Apparently as of now, she is on 0, zero, none, zip psych meds, except some atavan as needed. I truly prefer her being on a low dose of Rx to keep it in her system and prevent issues than after the situation has exploded. But I guess that hasn't happened yet. It's still "reactionary" dosing right now. It is so difficult to make decisions for my Mom. She is an adult, not a child, and I'm only a layperson, not a medical person. And Mom can absolutely still discern most things said, but this complex, she can't comprehend what is going on. She still thinks she makes sense when she talks, and she still thinks she is part of the staff there. But she's also not dumb. When she sees herself in the mirror, when she doesn't see her clothing or posessions, when she sees her other residents, she knows. She knows that Dad isn't visiting, nor Jay or Joan, no friends or family. No parents, nobody but Gordy and myself, and that tends to confuse her and hurt her feelings. She is absolutely aware, not in exacts, but in the rhythm of time, when G and I don't visit her weekly. Her speech has deteriorated to mostly gibberish - once in a while a real sentence comes out, or a correct, by that I mean understandable, reply or sentence comes out, but if she loses her sense of speech, totally not able to reply, or convey, it scares me to pieces. My poor Mom. She still likes to joke and tease and seize life, but she is frail, and bruised with her fragile skin. She looks pretty, younger than her 83 years, but she's ill. And as of now, the physical issues are pain, and, of course, dementia aka Alzheimer's, and most likely her heart is failing. SHIT. This last visit on Monday last, her appetite was down, but her mood ok. She and I had some love moments alone. We cried a bit together about loving each other, but that was a brief moment in the time we had that day. I love her beyond words, and have been unable to let her know just how much, and be who she needs. She needs me to be like Dad - strong and knowledgeable and able to make the right choices, be her voice, and be there for her in body, 24x7, and near her. That is so beyond my ability. I am not able to be Ray, or be wise, or be able to read her mind, or even be there more than I am. My pain has exacerbated beyond words, and I've actually been neglecting my health. I know the ol' "Put the Oxygen mask on yourself first" thang, but I can't, and I have hurt myself via neglect, and pain, and Rx, and lack of life, and lack of self-respect, or friends, or family. I can't cultivate these things. I can barely read, my eyes slam shut, nor concentrate. My left arm /hand wakes me up in pain, and of late, it takes about 20 - 30 minutes for my left hand to stop being totally numb, without feeling, and it's spooky. To add to it all, my cats are not living in harmony. Olivia is stressed and still growls and lashes out. Zach feels neglected and put down as both cats are larger than him, so he is ever the peacenik and backs down, and then there's Val, so damn adorable and on the brink of cat-hood v. kittenhood, and Livvie is just jealous. They are there for me always and I love them to pieces too, and I think I may be letting them down. Shit. I am not the woman I used to be anymore. I'm sad and lonely, and in pain, and scared, and fearful I am making the wrong choices for everyone, and I am afraid to lose my few loves in my life, and my Mikey and Robyn and Evan and the 3 kids and even lose my home with all the expenses I have. I am so afraid of life and love and family and hurting them all. That's what I fear. I fear I will hurt those I love. And that makes it all overwhelming. I try so hard to do the "pull yourself up the the bootstrap thing" but it is getting less and less doable. One of my most huge fears when I first became ill /disabled, was that some day I'd become a "bag-lady" and now, I'm so afraid that I will bring everyone I love down with me too. I feel like the few that do love me, will be hurt by my failures beyond repair. And I feel my health, mind, soul, heart, is failing more and more as I continue to not be the "independent" me that I have been the majority of my life. I need to be vigilant for Mom first and foremost. I try to keep current on her health, on the news re: Alz, and am glad that the net exists, but there is the most important element in the equation, and her name is Mom aka Gerry, and I need to choose as close a she would choose. I need to be respectful of Mom and her needs and preferences. I need to visit her as much as doable so she doesn't feel abandoned. I need to push myself beyond my personal best limits, and the result is a "flare" or exacerbation that is beyond expectations, and to try to work through it to be there for Mom compounds it. God I love her so infinitely much. I wish she could feel the pampering she is used to -- to be loved and surrounded, always, by those who she loves and who love her. She deserves care and love. Mommy - you are my heart too -- oh, I wish ... I wish .. I wish - oh how much I wish..!
##
|
