| As promised, update regarding Mom as of today's visit. It was not the best visit.. but there have been a lot worse ones. As Gordy and I were let in, the people all started to walk towards us, screaming, chatting, asking, etc. sort of like a scene from "Night of the Living Dead"..very surreal, and sad and also spooky and scary-ish. Later we found out that there were 3 fights earlier that day that they had to break up. These people are amazing to do what they do day after day and with compassion. Wow. So, we rounded the corner, and Gordy went to the desk to sign in, and I saw Mom (wearing the lightweight "jacket" I brought last week) and she was looking for something, and her hair was long, and the clothes were close fitting, so she looked frail and thin. I opened my arms up high and wide and said, "Mommy!" and she looked up after a couple of times as I walked towards her, and her face "crumbled" into tears, and she said "Jonni! Take me home I can't stay here anymore"...damn, that is one thing I am unable to do no matter what...the state still has "custody" of Mom and that kills me. I held her and let her cry, and asked her some questions, and suggested we go into "our room" and eat first. Gordy joined us, and we tried to make her feel better. She ate well after a slow start, and she loved the look of the table (I brought some flowers and pussywillow from the yard) and at first she was a "chipmunk on speed" as Gordy dubbed it when folx talk at lighting speed. After a time she did chat more calmly, and ate, and Tammy came in and we talked some, and it was ok. She was very upset though, despite our best efforts at distraction. When we finally were getting ready to leave, Mom said, "I'm nervous, I don't want to be alone here". That is behaviour from a while back when she didn't /couldn't be alone, especially at night. She was very unhappy we were going, and asked us to stay, and also take her with us. We got Tammy in and told her Mom was afraid to be alone, could she hang with Mom, and she said she could, but Mom was not having that distraction. She asked when I'd be back, and she was unhappy with my replies...a resounding "No! I don't think so!" with her angry look that is truly one I have seen most of my life growing up with her -- anger and some "hatefulness" too that is a Mommy /Daughter thing we had as I grew up. It hurt me to the quick, but I guess my pain is not near what Mom is experiencing if she's afraid, feels unloved, and is hurting and lonely and alone and surrounded by these people in this mood. I feel so absolutely impotent again, and wish I could do something she needs, like take her out and take her home. But it is not going to happen as far as I can forsee. Gordy took some snaps, as did I, using his little cell phone camera. I must say by the end of the visit, despite her despair, at least she got those "roses in her cheeks" back again, and looked a little less "drawn". Oh Mommy. What to do, what to do.... I have a killer head, and other owies. I meet with my new MD manana, we'll see if he's going to be a
"match" for me or not, and how he feels about my complicated health issues. Wish me luck, and also on Wednesday. This is a tough week with lots of MDstuff, and two not here on the Island even. Well, I'm so exhausted, and hurty, I hope I can grab some zzzzzzzz's before I have to arise for my appointment manana. Please send good thoughts Mom's way.
##
|
