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My "Aunt SuSu" phoned a couple weeks ago, we used to spend xmas "brunch" at the Bernett's house, or ours, alternating years. There are certain memories I associate with Xmas at SuSu's. One is ribbon candy. Sooooooo pretty. Not the best tasting, but oh so pretty. And the "pillow" candies that are gorgeous, and the only good ones were the ones filled with peanut-butter. There also was a "resin like" life sized bulldog, wiht "fur" on it, that had a collar and a "chain" for a "leash". The head was like a "bobble-head" as I recall it. My Aunt Lillian and Uncle Jimmy had one too. The "thing" about this dog, was that if you pulled the chain, it made a noise like a "growl" sound. It was soooooo cool, and my brother and I played with it a lot. I am pretty sure my mind is playing tricks, but somehow I'm thinking that Aunt Lillian and Uncle Jimmy gave my brother theirs? Or is it just that he was always with it? I truly don't remember. I've since looked online for one like it, to date no luck. Humbug. Well enuff memories for now, but back to Aunt SuSu.

So, when we spoke, she mentioned that the trip to Lakewood was a long drive (for me it tends to be hell physically and mentally, but I always attributed it to my ICI's [invisible Chronic Illnesses]) and I told her typically it's once a week, but she did me a goodness when she put it into perspective. She said it was like driving to NYC and back, with a stopover of about 2 hours. That put things in total perspective for me, a trip to NYC and back from home in CT for a such a short stay, would truly wear on a person, especially when there is so much anxiety and emotion tied up with that visit.

So yesterday, it took approximately 4.5 hours to get there, and the visit was very upsetting. We also planned to visit Doris, Gordy's Mom too, since it was Mother's day. We did do that, good thing she stays awake late. A gal after my own heart -- not big on sleeping at night .

Last night was a toughie. Mom truly was out of it in a new way. She started out with really good memory, knew my voice, and looked up at me, then got up from her chair to the place we dine, and chatted well, with good recollection of Aunt Joan, and spoke well of Andrew [I phoned the IA gillpeople to wish them and celebrate together happy Mother's day, but they were in HI, but we had a chat with Andrew, but during it, I started to lose Mom, so I had to cut it short...rats] but after hanging up, she knew who he was in context. She also knew Aunt Joan and took her kiss and hug with good grace, and she appreciated that Joan had visited her Mom in hospital today. She also enjoyed Kim's mother's day contribution of her blueberry cake with lemon, and said, "She does so much, she's amazing" which was lovely, and I can't wait to tell her about it. So wonderful to share and Kim will be thrilled. I sometimes wish someone could edit it and tell me the good stuff, and I could rest a bit from the full reality.

I can't count how many close calls we've had, how many times she was "slipping away and had very little time left"...what a horrible mess of emotions. But I digress.

Yesterday, Mom was in the middle of eating and in a blink of an eye, she was asleep, appeared to pass out...like "narcolepsy" not that I know what that truly is like. It's very spooky to watch. It wasn't like she slipped off like the time a few visits ago, instead, she had lost her sense of depth perception, and reality. She would just stop, and be still. She also thought she still held her cup of drink, and would still try to "hold" it, it being just air, or try to grab a "cheezy-poof" from her hand, thinking her fingers was one...she was angry and frustrated. She kept reaching UNDER the table as if that is where the table was. I will mention it to Chuck in the future, but I did speak to Tammy at the time, and she said Mom hadn't slept at all the night before, and she, Tammy, hadn't seen this behaviour, so it's sort of chalked up to that coupled with all her Rx and her disease for now. There was a bittersweet moment for me, when I was trying to help Mom know /see my reality, she shouted at me, "Just leave me alone Jonni" which is good because it was so reminiscent of normal, and she knew my name without effort. But is was a very very short visit, Gordy was pushing that we leave her ASAP, and let Tammy and co. take care of her, but I was reluctant to go. But, at least we had time with his Mom despite the late hour, and stayed about 1.5 hours there, so there was a "Momfix".

But I ended up pulling an all nighter, with a few hours sleep early this AM, and woke up with a depression of huge proportions. I'm so tired of this infinite loop. Coping with this is an elusive thing for me, heck, it's a moving target fighting health, pain, money, security, love, home, cleanliness, clutter, cat health, and family. Heck, did I mention that we finished xmas in April with the family. We're way past due on Birthday prezzies for the kids in Colorado. We have the prezzies, we just haven't mailed them. We had promised to get them by Evan's b'day, he turned 4, four, yes IV, on Saturday, and birthdays and timing are so important for the wee ones, and yet we didn't get it to the Valdez clan yet. I'm so ashamed. We didn't even phone him on his birthday.

Gordy has been "slammed" at work, and tired too. It's tough to keep up with time, and we're failing the kids in a big way. I am not proud. I came into this family with hopes of bringing security and fun that I learned from my parents -- to make them come first, to spoil them, and now, I'm not even able to keep up with simple holidays. Color me failed despite good intentions. Another part of my life to be ashamed of.

I can't seem to gain purchase on much in my life. And my dependence on Gordy and others, like Kim, increases, and I feel so sad, and still refuse to accept it, what grief process, eh?

So, I spoke to Mom today, and she knew me, and remembered we were there yesterday, and we both got all teary eyed with our voices breaking, but exhanging love words. God I miss her so much. I fail her continually by not understanding her words...I hate myself for not being more able or more intuitive. She just wants to be "heard", and I know that frustration myself. 'Smatter o' fact, I just found out that my MD is not good at "listening" either. He doesn't want to get to know me, and work from there, he just wants to force his agenda on me, despite my knowledge about myself to date re: what is doable and what isn't. Oh well, tackle that as it happens.

So, on the piano bench lay the prezzies that have needed to go to Colorado, they've been purchases a long while ago, but they sit here instead. I hate hurting the kids by seeming to be uncaring and them not knowing they are a priority, and that this isn't a stall about not having their prezzies, it's just that we don't get it in the mail, or make the call, and the time difference doesn't help either.

Well, the game plan for Mom right now is to try to get there sooner than the weekend, but if not, definitely get there EARLIER this weekend. Toe and fingers are crossed. All prayers and love and light are gratefully accepted .
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