| After a bunch of good visits with Mom, where she was looking well, and doing mostly well, with some pain, but it was remedied enough after a pain med, tonight was very very depressing. She looked so tired and beat down, or fragile? just old and worn and tired. She did twinkle a few times at Gordy, thank god /dess he teases her out of things; the do connect. She didn't truly "know" me, methinks this is one of the first times it was this broad of a scope of not knowing me. She talked about Jim, and referred to herself as Gerry Cohen, and she called me Evy, methinks she's referring to her childhood friend, her "Peggy" she used to tell me, Evy Churness, so that was ok because it was a warm connect feeling. Once when she wasn't working hard to think and /or entertain, when I started to offer her more food, she said, "No, Jonni!" in the voice of annoyance at me that I know way too well, and I loved it! She rarely calls me by my name anymore, but she does refer to me as her daughter, and we do have private moments of connecting when Gordy deposits the leftover food into the fridge at WSH. Her right hand - she was holding it funny the whole time, and kept reaching for something in it -- but there was nothing there, at one time, I asked her to hand it to me, I'd hold it, and for a few minutes, she did relax that hand, and all was ok, but it didn't last long. I later held her hand in both of mine, and she was ok with it, but mostly, she held it in her lap while eating, politely, but then looking at it for something, and /or grabbing something she thought was there out of her hand. Damn. She also seems to have had her conjunctivitis return in her right eye. I hate recurring or overly long infections, they scare me a lot, and I get afraid it's a "beginning of the end" when it happens; a sign. She did enjoy her meal, and ate really really well, and even was good about taking her meds. But it was not as focused or healthy a visit as in the recent past. I'll have to see if something had changed in her medicine. I also will follow up again on her eye infection. This was a scary time that I am not able to convey. It was quite upsetting and disconcerting. Just before we left, Mom was in the chair watching the TV, and I went to kiss her good-bye. At first she didn't look at all, but thanked "me" for the kiss, then she said, "who is that"? and I said your daughter, Jonni, and she focused like other times, and we had a little bit of love talk, but it was fleeting. She was wanting me to take care of myself and to come back as soon as I could, I was always welcomed. It was not the visits I became accustomed to, and I left sad and anxious about her -- she didn't know me for a long while of this visit which is new and hurts on some basic level, and scares me on an intellectual level that I'm losing her in more than one way. Please pray for Mom, or think warm thoughts her way, or send healing vibes or light, or whatever works if you can. Who'd a thunk it, but I've reached a new level of fear -- I am afraid that this marks a new level of "low" or "advance" in Mom's Alzheimer's and general health and well being and even her pain. I love her and don't want to lose her, not now, not ever, but not yet, she's so dear and special. She is still a spark on this planet that brings happiness to people who meet her, even soIme other of the residence tell me so. I hope a "writing campaign" to Careage may help her be allowed there, so that Mom can be closer physically, and I can see her more frequently, and calm her when she gets scared. This long trip is way to exhausting for alluvusns.
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