| I'm just too drained to write about the latest health horror story regarding Mom's recent hospital stay at Swedish in Edmonds, but after a 12+ hour day of constant maneuvering and phoning and scanning and phoning, and emailing and phoning, and begging and threatening and phoning, and going online researching and phoning ad nauseum, Mom is back at Bright Family Home again, with a private nurse coming in twice a day to give her the antibiotics via IV. I am going to contact Mom's physician tomorrow to see if /what he can do to have Medicare /Medicaid pay by ordering it for the rest of the course (it's out of pocket now due to bull caca) and, I'm also going to have him do what needs to be done to refer me to Hospice. I'm so afraid. Seeing Mom back at Bright Family Home, and her contrast in health back on her turf, truly revealed just how unwell she is. But, she's back again in a loving environment, surrounded by *her* things, and pretty comfortable again in the fuzzy blue sheets I gave her, a hug of warmth (with no wrinkles). She has a hard and bad cough, and it's hard for her to expectorate, so she tires frequently, drifting off to sleep.
I hugged her to sleep one time whispering my love for her, and telling her how amazing and beautiful she is.
Her breathing is not good, and the ability to eat w/out aspirating is not secure right now. I still am hoping that pure love and nurturing (and the IV of antibiotics) can pull her through this current ordeal, but I'm not certain it is enough no matter how hard Nic and everyone tries. I am trying not to let my mind wander there, but it does anyway. I love my Mother so much -- I am straining to hold myself together and think healthy, hopeful, loving thoughts instead of letting the fear and grief overtake me. As Julie says, breathe in (and out) while counting to reign in my thoughts;
inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ... exhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 .. inhale... 1, 2, 3 .... peace
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