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Desperation, lost, heartbreak, frustration, depression -- I want to hide - be unseen it's been a bad day. Last night Carol left early having got herself in a situation where Mom fell, and she tried to hold her from falling. She will be out for a week. Last night I took early shift with Mom, but Gordy took the brunt of the night with her. Instead of callling me to as we planned, to take Mom to the john, he did it solo. This AM he said he was up all night and exhausted. I know he's beat. Today, Kathy from Homeplace came to visit and talk. Here's the "letter" (unedited - typos & poor grammar included) I have written to set the meeting up, and us 4, Kathy, Gordy, Mom and I would start on the "same page" prior to questions and assessment and suggestions.
Friday 27-january-2006Dear Bahmu, Carol had to leave last night, so gordy will be waking you up this am.
He's there, because you fell on Wednesday, about noon, starting up the stairs, and fell on your back, and hit your head on the leather couch -- OUCH! You were in incredible pain. I dialed 911, and we went by Ambulance to the WGH's ER.
We were really lucky that you didn't break anything!!! But pain is going to be your 'partner' for the next few days for sure. They also found a bladder infection, which I've since learned can be the cause for you to lose your footing /balance, and fall. So, you're on Anti-biotics, which will also help your cough. You may notice some wheezing, that's the cough working at you, so Albuterol is the way to go for now, along with cough medicine. One more piece of the puzzle as to why you may feel not quite yourself, is that we're switching over one of your medicines (per Dr Little -- what you were taking was affecting your walk and your animation -- we all see improvements already YAY) to one that won't create those symptoms.
I left some clothes out for you to change into -- if you don't feel good about them that's cool, but i'd really really really like you to try the chinos I bought you -- break 'em in and all?!? But you're the boss! ;-)
I'm setting my alarm too - cuz we're having company. She's coming at 11:00 today. Her name is kathy. Kathy is an expert in eldercare. She is coming here to meet with us, and chat about her thoughts on how to make YOU feel safe, and more importantly BE safe. She'll probably talk and ask questions and look at your room and bathroom and give us feedback. I was so incredibly scared when Carol said you were unwell last week, and we ended up taking you to the ER regarding your logy-ness and slow replies. It turned out that it was just the combination of Rx you were taking, and the transitioning of same. But I was afraid for you, afraid i did something to hurt you!!! And, when you fell -- backwards and hard and were on the floor groaning loudly in pain, asking for the EMTs to come already, I was so afraid that you would be a "statistic" i.e. -- Older woman falling and breaking something...and to see you in such agony -- it was awful!!! And on another level, we have did some managing of your fear by hiring someone for a few hours nightly to sit with you while you get ready for, and go off to sleep, but you still have fear a lot of the time, something you can't put to words, and maybe Kathy can help us in that area as well, as she has had experience with other people via eldercare, and having a history of being an RN. So, by now, you are waiting for me to put on my face, and maybe talk to you, so I hope to help you with any questions before Kathy drives up. I love you more than you can ever know or imagine -- xoxoxoxo+ ..me
PS if you have any questions, Gordy can write 'em down for you as you think of them, or i can when i come down.
lovelovelove always and all ways
Also, my left hand is starting to come back into Carpal tunnel mode, and so i might have to get the surgery I put off before via a shot of a version of cortisone, and it's wearing off, so I Kathy may have some ideas on how Gordy can take care of me and you if I'm out of commission with only one working hand, and extra pain meds to boot. Also, I won't be able to drive at all, and I will have to got to physical Therapy, and using only one hand for everything, even dressing? and /or showering?!? shivers -- I can't imagine -- and then it will be time to do my right hand next..egads and gadzooks!!!
So, we're looking for ideas and help and with a professional perspective to boot!!!
--
The meeting went well, Mom said that if I need to have surgery, to help me and Gordy out, she's stay there temporarily. She also said she would prefer a Single room, so at least we have that resolved.I felt like scum that she'd be willing to go somewhere she didn't feel good about,probably, with the effects of alzheimers added in, terrified of going somewhere "alone", simply because she loves me and would do this for me to make surgery /recovery easier. Damn, how evil am I playing on her love. So, it was a nice chat with Kathy, and I took a snap so Mom will be reminded as to who Kathy is, and that we did speak prior to her going. But it also feels sort of sneaky now, dirty. Then, because Gordy is beat, and my knee has swollen up and is "blown" [I have an appt. - the soonest was feb 10th - with dr Waite for it...a long time to hurt and probably hurt it even more..] I called IHN to get another person to spend the night and help Mom walk to the john, she isn't constantly steady yet, and tomorrow during the day. Then IHN used attitude with me again, and with my current pain, and Gordy's exhaustion, there was no way we could get out to bring in the items they required. So, I was ready to deal with it myself, then she came up with an alternate option, and so we were back on. Later, I called my dear dear neighbor Gae, and she went to bayview Senior Center and grabbed a commode, and dropped it off for Mom to use. I phoned IHN to let them know we had one. But, I was pretty beat up (more beat down). Then Gordy said I am in denial about Mom. He may be right, but another attack at me. I am defeated and can't be strong for Mom and fight for her dignity right now. I am truly scum and am letting her down. I have no where to turn. No way to find support. No way to get anyone to fight for Mom's rights and her dignity and to treat the HUMAN piece of her that has a disease, instead of the seeing the list of chores and how it impacts their lives. It is so hard to try to fight for her anymore -- I feel like such a bad daughter, letting both my Mother and my Father down, big time. I don't know what to do, where to turn -- I am failing her and myself.
And there is no where to go to get a much needed hug right now. I want to crawl away and be unseen and not here on this planet. I am ashamed and other people also have told me that I've done bad things and made wrong choices despite how hard I have tried and regrouped over and over again. I need help, something, someone, anything.. someone on my side? someone to help me speak my truth, or coach or ease me to learn new truths, there has to be someone who will understand and not attack what I am trying to achieve, some life, some dignity, some laughter in Mom's life, some peace and safety, time without pain, psychic or physical...serenty, peace, love and safety -- that shouldn't be such an impossible goal, should it? I'm hanging by a thread. I'm alone and ashamed and frightened and so insecure... ..to move even one step forward seems insurmountable, impossible, I feel so teeny, small, were that I could simply shrink to nothing and *poof* away....
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05:06 PM - link - |
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Unbelievable -- scared me to pieces today! Mom fell off the landing stairs going up to the bedroom about noon today -- on her back! *Thump* then "Owwww...groan..." Kim got there first from my room, me not far behind. Gordy was downstairs in the kitchen when it happened, but I don't know where he was as Kim held her head up, and I shouted "Don't move her!" and I dialed 911 as I grabbed some icepacks from the freezer for her bump on the back of her head. She was groaning, and talking of her pain from head, neck, spine, sitz and coxcys, and down to her toes! "Where are they" she kept begging between groans...as Kim kept her head in her hand holding the ice, freezing her hand to the core...I found a sweater to help Kim distance her hand from the ice, and the attempt was to replace her hand with this garment, but I don't know if it worked..."WHERE ARE THEY?" she kept insisting between groans of pain..... I kept thinking, oh no! not a broken something, a hip et al, with Kathy coming friday to assess the situation, was I do late? is Mom another "old lady breaks her from fall? Jeff and some other folk from EMT came, and Jeff is a stand-out because he was soooooooo attentive to Mom's needs, and caring and yet professional and practical. He even let her have some pain Rx, morphine, just a bit, on the drive up -- but it was blessed relief for her, especially strapped down on a board on the gurney. And, he turned the heat up, HIGH, in the back of the ambulance for her, and he let me sit in the chair, seat-belted, but in the back close to her. He remembered all the time that she had about 10 seconds of memory, and let me be close to show my face, and let me touch her to make her feel more secure, and answer questions for her on the way up to WGH. Thank you Jeffrey -- i have to find where to write to say thanks! To make the agony short -- she, amazingly, didn't break anything thank god /dess!!! They found a urinary tract infection, and she's on anti-biotics, and Dr Plastino said "You weren't kidding when you said she had EXTREME ARTHRITIS in her back..." not knowing how to read a film, nor having seen it, I could only pass on Dr Waite's emphasis...but after seeing it, Dr John really "got it"...she has pain!!! While trying to get a urine specimine, our RN went off to lunch, and the replacement RN came to help and when Mom finished, she tried to get GCG onto the bed, and when I saw mom slipping off, i just ran to her and helped -- stoooooopid moi -- wrenched my back!!! Dammitall. Well, Mom is home again [jigidy jig]. Since I can't hold her weight to the bathroom, or just walking et al, I called IHN, and they asked Rowena to stay all night tonight, and she said yes! thank you Rowena...and today, 9-5:00 we have Mary, then Carol 7-10:00 -- I hope by then she is able to walk using a cane etc. tonight. Dr John gave us an Rx for anti-biotic and, thank you tons, liquid pain Rx so she can swallow it more easily -- and maybe be more apt to let us medicate her through this ordeal, at least the first days. She has to be reminded that she was in the ER and fell. She has pain, and such, but no recall. My poor Mom.
Thank you all dieties and energies of the universe for not letting Mom break something so that it is a 'rush job" to get her to an elder facililty. Will take all prayers and good wishes for a speedy recovery for Mom!
Thank you.
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04:08 AM - link - |
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Catching up in no particular order... it appears as if the a "bug" has decided to attack my body yet again. Humbug? Last time it started with the ol' itchy throat, and became a cough, and ended up exhausting me, to which Dr Waite said that this thang going around (which I prolly caught), has a major exhaustion factor to it that will last from about 6 weeks to 6 months. ;p~~~~~~~~ I hardly know if this bug can come on so fast re: take II, but I know being in the ER is a bigger petrie dish than being around kids. ..And 2 nights ago, we took Mom to the ER.
She is home after a very long night, but here's the backstory. On Thursday, I set Mom up for an appointment with Dr. Little. I don't know what happened, but we got lost in the holiday haze therefore, it's been a long while since we last met with him. Of late, Mom had been having problems with various symptoms and health issues and I had calls into Little and Waite. Despite running back and forth to Oak Harbor to see Dr Waite, there seemed to be little help getting out of a viscious cycle on some things. When we finally saw Dr. Little on Thursday, he decided that her "shuffling gate" and "flat face" was a side effect from her taking Rispiradol which Mom takes in small doses to help calm her and minimize her fear, or as Dr Little aptly called it; her "Terror". Of late and prior the the appointment, Mom's time without fear had been diminished to about 2+/- hours starting about 11:00 AM-ish. So, we did a change in meds. We were to stop the Rispiradol, and, instead, take 25mg of Seroquel in the morning, afternoon, and 50mg at bedtime (she had been on it before in a dose of 25-50mg in the PM before so it isn't a "new" drug to her). My gut feel for day one, i.e. Thursday night last, was to just remove the risperadol, and begin the next day (Friday) to start the seroquel. Gordy felt strongly that we should not skip the first night, and to my chagrin, methinks I should have trust my instincts more frequently, I acquiesced. Gordy said she crashed immediately after dinner and her nightly Rx on Thursday. Then, the next AM, not only was she taking her new Seroquel, but she also had extreme pain, and it was one of the few days that she would accept a pain pill -- in fact, she took it twice on Friday. After Mom took her noon pain pill, I went to check on her, and in about 2 hours, she was still groaning with pain -- groaning -- my mother? my other who will not take novacaine during root canals? She is a stoic when it comes to bearing pain. But here she was, practically in tears. Damn I felt helpless. This is not typical for her at all. I sat with her in her "sauna room" -- argh!, and helped her get down some cereal with banana (she was so zonked, she missed her mouth on occasion) and hung in her room with her. I gave her a light massage on the forehead, and her low back and shoulders, murmuring love words, and "there-theres" as we counted the moments until 4:00, and her next pain pill (and return calls from MDs). That evening, when Carol from IHN came in to sit with her from 7- 10:00PM, she was frightened by the drowziness and lack of animation and Mom's sleepiness. She also took her pulse and got 39 -- yikes! Mom typically is low, about 52 or so, but when Gordy came up and told me 39 -- that didn't sound good to me either. Also, Carol is a "professional care-giver" who has a history to draw upon. I put the call in to the doc on call, but no return call after 2 tries in about 1/2 hour. By then I came downstairs, and sat Mom up, her pulse was 49+, but I had got caught up in the drama and fear, and decided it was best to err on the side of caution, so we called 911, and off we went, via ambulance, to the ER. After a long wait, to my joy, her blood and urine were fine, as was her heart and bp monitoring while we were there. Dr John Plastino was on, and through Mom's haze, she agreed that he was cute, and she winked at him so that puts it all in perspective for me -- if Mom can still appreciate a good looking guy, and even flirt, she's doing well LOL! We got home around 2:00 AM making it a panic of about 7 hours. They were very kind at WGH and lent us the wheelchair to get her into the house. We dropped it off early the next morning. As an aside, I also met a nurse, Tara, who is from CT!!! It felt warm and fuzzy to meet someone from my home state, with "do you knows" and we did . On Saturday, Dr Little got back to us. I updated Dr Little, and we modified the dosage to two (50mg) in the evening, and only do 1/2 at noon-ish, skipping the AM dose entirely. Well today that happened, and she got very agitated during the afternoon -- so let the "games" begin yet again.... We really do have to get her up to speed with some calming Rx, like Seroquel as prescribed by Dr Little. The Terrors have to go away ASAP in my opinion, so we may have to be a bit more aggressive with the Seroquel...but I am so hopeful with the Rx change she will walk more strongly again and the twinkle her baby blues return soon.
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08:29 PM - link - |
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Wednesday January 11 2006
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i dare anyone to tell me that this is simply coincidence, that god /dess wasn't giving me a strong message that I was doing wrong when i decided to go to the supermarket for a quick run while carol was here with mom... ..as I put on my coat to go out with gordy, carol was walking back in and zach ran outside!!! at night!!! in coyote-ville and with owls hooting for a morsel like zach...tell me he wasn't giving me a strong message that "how dare you leave your mother!!! you know you are not allowed freedom or fun, you are here to take care of your mom -- bad enough that carol is with her now, how dare you leave the house!"...I dare anyone to say that I was given a strong message that it was wrong to leave her. To top it off, I got yelled at by IHN and instructed about the way they believe i should care for mom, [but i ended up pushing back on that one and they actually did apologize for their insensitivity and not checking with me for answers before accusing me], but it stung. We've set up an appt. for next wed. to go to "homeplace" (Kim and I) to see if it is a "good" place for mom, and what the availability is, and then, sprinkle it today with the proverbial cherry on top with my almost losing Zach when i attempted to leave Mom for a bit of time alone with gordy on a stupid errand...this is a definite message. I truly am worthless -- what i offer the universe is my ever-dwindling savings, and my body as an experiment in invisible chronic illnesses -- what a legacy, eh? I try so hard to be good and do the right thing, but it's forever wrong. Time for some Rx and sleep if i'm able.
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08:38 PM - link - |
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Rats!!! Eeeeeuuuuuuuuuu, yes ratz! Apparently there has been a lot of folks around here (read: whidbey island) have noticed gobs-o-critters of late. To my chagrin, my castle was not exempt. Kim found that they had nibbled on the slug-bait that i had left out on the front deck. Surely that isn't a good thing for them, but they also found a wood pile they like as well. Rats!!!! Absolutely ratz. Surety Pest came out and put up traps, but I was just asking the other day if they had stopped by to check them, and none of us are aware if they were or not. Today Gordy took mom for a ride for erranding, and thought the car was acting funky. He opened the hood and found that they (rats) had been nibbling on the 'yota's spark plug wires and so they need replacing. I asked him how did he know, and his reply was, "turds" --awshit. This does not make me happy at all. I absolutely don't want to have to cope, deal, work with -- this is not something that I am used to having nearby. I am freaked out, and this house is such a sty of late, I'm scared they will smell fud and choose to visit. RATZ! ugh!!! This is soooooooo creepy. I wish Dad was here to protect me by calling 'em by their "other" name, voles . The backstory on that, is that when I was in Clinton at Marcia's, Cassie, Yoko and I that is, I had the best huntercats, who consistently brought me their prezzies, birdies, mice, and one day...this HUGE mouse with teeth and no fur on the tail, to which my Dad said it was "just a Vole...". Many months later, while at Dad's with some PC friends of mine, who were helping Dad with his 'puter, the story some how came out about how Yoko & Cassie were just such sweet kitties with soft mouth and good huntings...and i recalled the tie of the huge VOLES, and they laughed and twinkled at teh story, and let the proverbial cat out of the bag and told me these thangs were not voles, but ...eeeeuuuuuuuwwwwwww, RATZ. Ugh. I need a clean house ASAP. This speaks to the recent bru-ha-ha I was arguing about with Gordy of late about keeping dishes cleaned ASAP and not in the sink, and keeping floors and counters CLEAN. Eeeeeuuuuuuwww! Keep ur toes and fingers crossed for me if you will re: keeping the "voles" out of the house, and preferably, out of my yard, and even my neighborhood.
## ...dang -- grilled cheeses are being made for Mom and Gordy by chef Gordy, and the smell is wafting upstairs to moi...ooooh yum ... were that one was being made for moi....
01:24 PM - link - |
"walk this way..."
Igor [prnounced Eye-gore] from "Young Frankenstien" [pronounced Steen] --
there's more!
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We salute the Grammy nomination of the late great
Dave Van Ronk's final concert album: 
