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We salute the Grammy nomination of the late great Dave Van Ronk's final concert album:
". . . and the tin pan bended and the story ended . . ."

CONGRATULATIONS! Watch the 47th Grammy's and look for DVR's Wife and Producer, Andrea Vuocolo Vanronk, and our beloved Christine Lavin [who helped edit it]
February 13, 2005 8PM on CBS.

click here
William Valdez is our Son-in-Law Extrodinaire.
You can support our troops via this site, and support William, personally, if you wish. His TFT ID is 1862195
Thank you!

Listen to Hober

US Faces of the Fallen:

•US Fatalities in Iraq

•US Fatalities; "Operation Enduring Freedom"

 

Awshitiswhatisay 'cuz as of this moment, there is still no information re: the biopsy.

I spoke to Dr Kaplan's office earlier today, and just got a phone call back. It seems that Dr K will be out until THURSDAY!!!

Hurry up and wait -- moving target -- I gird my loins, and then let go some, and then, *thwack* hang on again. Didja ever do that when you had to go to the bathroom? You decide, while driving, to wait 'til the next exit, or the next place you're going, or some place where you guestimate the time?

And then, when you think you're there, you are on the edge, and readyready READY, when -- horrors, traffic jam, or maybe the place is closed, or...who knows, but you've let your "guard" down, and now, somehow, you have to manage to get your body to *listen* somehow and recoup, and "hold it" even longer...youch -- not easy, I know that most women "of a certain age" know exactly what I mean.

Well, that's how this feels, on a different level of course, but it's a spirit kegle? LOL I dunno.

So, I called the radiologist's office, and they were very realistic about how tough it must be for me, and will try to get the good doctor to contact the diagnostic place, Dynacare, for me, and see what he can find re: the pathology, and give me some feedback before the day's end, hope hope.

So, here I sit. Toes and fingers are crossed. Killer migraine in the making, and waiting again.
[think healthy thoughts...]
##

 03:45 PM - link -    

The Article Stands as is without commentary.

Judge orders teen 'bully' to slim down

 01:57 PM - link -    

What is it about me...easy is not my life-path.

I just phoned the oncologist's office to see if they have results yet today.
I spoke to Karen and so far, no -- apparently, it's inconclusive!!!

The guy looking seems to think not so much cancer, but there are 5 slides he's looking at, and is going to consult with another MD -- and "my" oncologist is apparently away from the office for personal reasons and wont be back until tuesday -- or wednesday the soonest.

Karen said she'll try to get something for me tonight before she leaves.

But, if inconclusive, it means going back for MORE!!!

I'm depressed about it. Waite originally wanted me to have it all removed, as did the Island Surgeon, so there would be no question, so, I guess it would have been the right decision, since the core samples are apparently not conclusive.

I'm so exhausted, and to be in limbo yet again --?
And to probably have to go for more surgery -- ?
Shit!
##

[I'm not sure I can get more blue and keep the chins up much longer -- hurry up and nevermind is not an easy way -- and all this stress since 4/15 -- a very long time to endure the unknown, while being the "best patient" I could be...informed, present, et al.]

 02:48 PM - link -    

This is slow going, so I'm going to set up a page with snaps I've got web-ready so far. I'm also going to not do the small images, to click on, there will be just a link to the 400pixel width snaps.

You can find section 1 here:

More to come -- be patient please...
##

 01:21 AM - link -    

Not the best day. So, I just called, for a second time, Dr K's office for results of the Biopsy.
Sandy, very kind, said no results yet. So she called again for me, and confirmed that they are not ready yet.

Hearing my fear, after I started to get shaky, and after I asked if it was significant that they had no results yet, i.e. did this mean they couldn't determine whether it was cancer or not, she said, not to worry, that it is "normal" because they are so busy.

So, we said our good byes, and I am back to stoic-mode again. She was very nice.

I also had a huge fight with Gordy.

I sent him an email trying to let him know what it felt like here on this side of the breast et al...I hope he "hears" it and empathizes so he can appreciate my needs and neediness. My toes and fingers are crossed -- he HAS to get a clue, else this is not working, and I am truly alone, and this is so beyond me.

If he can't "get it" at least I can now realign my "dependency" and act like a solo independent woman again...it will just take a bit of a shift. As always, I'll find a way to "gird my loins" and will take another step forward...but it would be nice to have someone walking this path with me, holding my hand?!?

...
##

 04:41 PM - link -    

Dday, or shall I call it Cday? or how about Bday?

I called Kaplan's office, requested gordy go downstairs so I have a semblence of privacy.
The message is that the RN will ask when he gets finished with this patient, and she'll call me back.

Toes and Fingers are crossed, and am hailing all dieties for help...Pax, heath for me, please?
##

 11:42 AM - link -    

I had a post yesterday but I nuked it because it was pretty incoherent...and not too flattering to those around me...so with a new day behind me, here is yesterday .

Originally I had asked Kim to come, but on the day of, I spoke to her and asked her to stay home. I so didn't want to hurt her feelings, and she said she only wanted to be and do whatever I want or need, so I guess, even if it did hurt, she at least gave me a "get out of jail free" card for the day.

What I feared, is that I would break down instead of having "girded loins" because I feel so safe with her, and don't have to put on airs, but with G and G, not so the case. There are expectations...thus easier to be a strong one.

When I got inside, and met with Dr P, he was very professional and kind, as was the Tech. I got to be very intimate with the "stereo" as they fondly call the machine I knew as the stereotactic machine.

Another surprise, was just how HIGH this thing gets. I had zero clue that I got raised at least 6+ feet laying down! They have me look at the wall, so there was no clue that I was being raised.

The room is dimly lit, and ahead of me is the xray viewer, behind, all sorts of imaging and "triangulating" machines. They use that to get my breast in position to get at the spots they want to grab with the core needle.

They started with the one closest to my chest wall. None of the procedures were easy or quickly done. And they were both quick and efficient, yet warm -- a very perfect combination. Heck I even came out with some lame jokes about the "milking machine" etc etc...just call me elsie!

They constantly tell me what is going to happen, and what the noises I am going to hear, or what I'll feel etc. Because of my allergy to epinephrine, they used something that didn't have it -- and they also listened to me when I shared my fears about how the trauma and pain will be transferred to my FM /MPS body and the backlash /flare.

The good Doc honored my request to not put a marker in the nipple, but there are 2 others in my breast now.

It was well over 2 hours, and after the 2nd spot, the Doctor asked if I wanted to call it a day, actually, he asked me after #1, but after #2, I think he really was feeling it was a bit much for me to deal with, but I told him that if he's game, I'd prefer to do it NOW and not have to make this last longer than the 40+ days it's taken of hurry up and wait to learn anything to date.

When Dr P left the room, the Tech, told me she would've made the same choice, it was really really nice to have it validated and my choice supported. They do have heart here.

But, due to the science of their jobs, they have to remain very focused to be efficient and exact. It makes it really really hard to find excuses for those MDs and RNs and Techs who are not nearly as nice and feel "oh, sooooo put upon" when you run across a group that manages to excel at both aspects of the field!

There was pain, some times more than others. But the pain didn't really kick in until I was in heavy Seattle traffic on rt 5, and hot and all of the ice melted, and the local wore off. Then oooh, the pain!

But, before I left, I asked things like how many "samples, aka zaps" per spot. The first one, as I said, was near the chest wall, and hard to get at...very hard...they grabbed about 15+. The 2nd one was that "cyst" that was not visible to the ultrasound, that too a lot of "rolling" and pulling and angles and what all else to reposition the screen or xray or my breast to get a view. They took over 12 samples...I was very lucky they found it and could grab some samples.

The final one, which the good Doc suggested I not go for, because of pain, and trauma to the breast, and all that local anaesthesia, which is a lot to put in the breast, and it also obscures vision when trying to locate the calcifications, and there has been a lot of blood already lost, but I said "carry on" and so we did after a chat.

They found it pretty quickly, and after a bunch of samples, he said "Text book job!". So voila!

They gave me breaks between areas. The first required a potty break, the 2nd, moving my broken back in spasm and pain...arghhhh, and that's when I saw just how high up I was! ;-) At that time, the tech got the machine readied for the 3rd time. Again, all the time talking and keeping the vibe caring and warm, v. clinical which this is soooooo much what this process is!

Dr P started to explain things to me, but between my mind being overloaded regularly due to my regular Rx, and my chronic pain et al, I knew I wasn't holding on the to the info. So I had them bring Gordy in.

He was there, and I thought he was listening, later to find out to my chagrin, not so much. Damn.
Lots of blood to be found. And when I was left alone, I paced some, and saw swabs drenched with it, and deep, and a tube that had tons of blood in it, and of course many wraps and such...who knew?

They really didn't let on what was going on. And they were consistent and calm, and one time, they laughed while at the machine, and I felt small, but they, without any prompting from me, told me why they were laughing in case I was wondering (I have no recall what they said ).

I asked, gut feel, totally unofficially, what was the kind MD's thoughts about cancer, he shared that if he had to guess, he'd say, the nipple and the elusive center one are ok, and the one next to the chest wall is more likely cancer -- maybe 50/50 chance, but he's going to hope and pray and cross his fingers and toes that there is NO cancer.

He also did an endearing thing -- he knocked wood!!! I carry, oh so superstitiously and magically thinking, a necklace made of wood, for easy access. I let him use it, and he did, then used his head.

Oh, BTW, the 6mg of Valium taken an hour before did little in the sedation department, but I'm sure it probably took an edge off, although it was not visible to the naked "eye". ;-)

One more Kudo that needs to be stated, I take a gazillion meds due to all my chronic illnesses. And, the big thing was to NOT take blood thinners. So, after he left, somehow, the Tech found him and asked him to go over my Rx and see if they are ok to still take.

He came at a break with his next patient to look 'em over and give me /them the ok!
I stole a quick hug at that time!
I also got a hug from the tech too.

They both get major points for accepting a hug which is not their typical modus operani methinks! Consumate proffesionals in every way -- that means kindness and recognizing there is a patient behind that breast!

At home, I iced it a lot, and have managed to wear a bra some how -- I've rigged a kind of Madonna look, as in bra over soft t-shirt! Ahhhhhh! Ice is a blessing, as is the vicodin. I have been taking very little of it, only succoming when necessary. Kind of doing that stoic thang.

I took snaps of it, so I could see my breast -- blood all over, even through the bandages, but I'm to leave them on until I speak to the oncologist and get the results. Also, I'm to be a total vegetable, but, of course, my family doesn't support that process, they just don't get it, they can't spoil me as needed for the 48 hours. And, the reason for being a slug, and no carrying, and no kids, is so I don't let loose a blood clot.

So, y'all have my "permish" (permission) to beat on the family if die, or get a loose clot. ;-). 'Smatter o' fact, I beseech y'all to please beat on them if I die of get sick from a clot! Deal? ;-)

[did I mention that as the elevator hit floor D in parking, I lost it for a minute, and just cried in my Mommy's arms? She was there for me at that moment...just what I needed]. Later at home, I didn't need G's attitude or martyrdom. But I have signed up for it, by now I would do myself a favor to not expect a level of care that has yet to happen...but it's so hard to think a person can't fake it for 2 days, eh? Especially with a lot at stake here. Oh well.

Oh, yeah, I couldn't put my arm down it was so swollen -- and my left one is the smaller of the two, and yet it was way larger than the right!!! Yikes.

Today (wed) brings pain, and lots of depression and lack of being loved or cared for. But, it's my bed, so to speak!

Kim was here, that was really good to see her and have her energy here! She's a good lady.

Well, time for more Rx, and some more rest...hopehope.

So, to those that go after me, if you have just one area, you prolly won't have the level of pain afterwards that I have. The MD said that he was very impressed that I hung in there for 3 areas. That took courage and determination. Yay me. I did tell him, I bet you say that to all your patients, and then, instead of letting it be a joke, he said, no, I really did well, that this was not typical.

So, it hurts. But psychologically, I'm not stressing as much, for the moment, because something was done for once, and something other than fear and the unknown is in my future.

I need prayers and light more than ever now.

Thank you everyone for your help and support, and if you are going through this type of thing, please don't hesitate to write and ask. OHOHOH!!! BTW, Dr P was VERY pleased that I had done my homework on the net, not just on the procedure, but on him! That was a boon! As I said, he's an amazing man, who is beyond his ego!!!

This was a lucky "marriage" for me.
##

 09:08 PM - link -    

Sometimes I'm just plain lucky, or blessed, or .... Today I received an e-card from Georgia, an e-card from Peg, a visit from Kim (who will probably be coming with, tomorrow) and a session with Marilyn!

Support is a good thing -- a very very good thing.

Thank you dear friends!
##

[I'm still working on the snaps from Doris' b'day]

 11:56 PM - link -    

May is a big Month for the Coale Family!

May 10th is the youngest Coale-Valdez' Birthday, and he just turned one, 1, uno, hana, ein, un!!!
Now, Doris, the Matriarch of the Coale's, Doris, McLaughlin Coale, will celebrate her 85th birthday tomorrow (hmm, well, ammend that, officially it's today!).

I will try to get snaps from Evan Everett Valdez' up soon, and tomorrow I will try to capture moments from Doris' special day.

Can y'all keep a secret? shhhhhhhh...
My Mother is giving Doris her barely been used Lazyboy Rocker, Heater & Massager recliner!!!

It sounds weird, but to understand it's importance and why I feel the need to chronicle this gift, things are very scary right now for Mom, and she is trying to hold on to things, familiar things, as much as she possibly can. Every time she sees a piece of furniture, or a tchocke from her house go by, or get packed, or in a photo, she says, "Hey, that's Mine!". We follow up with, "Do you want it in your room?" [no], "Do you have room for it?" [no], then we're putting it ...or donating it , or gave it to .

If you can, imagine you were losing parts of your memory along, with your ability to function doing simple tasks, and your body is failing you, and you have to rely on someone else, and you feel stupid because of it, when all of a sudden you see familiar pieces of your house being moved hither and yon, recognizable pieces of your life, your life's work, and you life with your husband when times were safer and fun -- and you feel [emphasis on feel as I have worked so long & hard with Kim, to keep Mom in the loop, and honor her, but of late, choices and decisions are really really difficult for her -- she's a moving target, in the old days, that could have described her too, but now the illness is exacerbating it, and she has no control or sense of this happening] like you have no voice or authority...it would be difficult to part with things that seem to define you, since everything else seems to conspire against your keeping yourself together.

So, that she is giving this prezzie, which would bring some good money if we sold it, to Doris, and she remembers that she chose to give this to Doris, and is so thrilled that she is able to help Doris rest a bit easier due to Mom's own good fortune, generosity & choice really is a gift, a huge gift of sacrifice for the welfare of someone else. I am so proud of Mom, and I so love that she can find that piece of herself that gets tons of joy from giving joy to someone else. Way to go Mom!!!

So, tomorrow will be a pretty long, but big day for us all, which I hope I can chronicle. Jenny is a sweetheart to bring the chair down in her van, so we can switch out Doris' big old lazyboy, with springs poking through -- ouch, for this high tech "comfy chair" -- and on her Birthday -- Score !

"tra-la, it's may, the lusty month of may..." Camelot

 01:56 AM - link -    

Every once in a while, I find a reason to think, yes! there is hope for America after all. Tonight was one of those times, from an unlikely resource.

I was watching the US version of "Who's Line Is It Anyway?", where Drew Carey is host. [If you've not seen it yet, you really should check it out for time and place on your local listings, they usually are on a cable channel in the later hours]

At first the crew are a bit off guard, as is the rest of the audience...all thinking, are we talking "did a racist suggest this, or is it just a suggestion?"...but Wayne starts to sing, in his Bill Cosby voice, "Hey Hitler, want some Jello?"...then in front of the camera, comes a guy with his headphones on, walking to Drew, and says something, so Drew then says, pointing to the other side of the audience from where the suggestion came, "OK, give me a job..." and there are some calls, and Drew says, ok "Insurace Salesman -- oh, this will be funny, Bill Cosby and the Insurance Salesman".

And, off they go. A little less enthusastic than normal, but off they go, miming, as Wayne and Brad sing...when, to everyone's delight, Ryan mime's a "heil Hitler" salute -- everyon breaks up! A wonderful moment, where we all concur that censorship is worse than joking about a blurted out (possibly in poor taste) suggestion.

Then, of course, throughout the rest of the show, there was references to Hitler, "if you know what I mean", and even a reference during "scenes from a hat", when "Tarzan and Tonto meet" is picked, and Drew says, "sure, we can make fun of Native Americans, but a Hitler reference is taboo..."!

So, I was heartened to know that yes, bad taste, or words can be unpleasant, but Censership be Damned!

[And this on the heels of those fools trying to pass a law that the Senate not reference Hitler or the Holocaust -- give me a break! Maybe the Republicans think they can censure "open foot in mouth disease"? Or maybe this is the best way to ensure "forgetting" and the "conspiricy theory" that the Jews are fabricating the Holocaust any easier?]

Chalk up one for the Good Guys!

You knever know where you'll find Democracy in Action.
##

"BlogenLust: John Hinderaker: I, personally, would like to see a moratorium on all references to Hitler, the Third Reich, Nazism and the Holocaust in the context of domestic political debate. Such a rule would have no perceptible effect on conservative discourse, but it would render the left virtually mute."

 12:38 AM - link -    

There *has* to be a life lesson somewhere in here, because I keep facing the same types of walls, and still haven't any success yet in how to cope or deal gracefully.

So, in preparation for the upcoming biopsy, I keep looking on the net, and I have contacted 2 of my MDs for different help. This was yesterday, I may have mentioned it, but I'll repeat, and go forward.

For sedation, the surgeon said take a valium. Yeah, right...that will do it...I told him about my health issues, and my experience with sedation and pain during my previous surgery, and other procedures, and how I don't know from sedate, a sleeping pill doesn't even shut my mind, and 2 pain clinics later, along with assorted "visualization" meditation attempts, including "Journey to the Wild Divine", I just can't get there yet. So, since it's using stereotactic core needle biopsy, they need me to be STILL!!! Without help it's gonna be tough, and with help, it will be too.

Luckily, nay, no! let me ammend that, there was no luck involved, it takes responsibly and with caring, Gary phoned last night to suggest what I do to get through it with control needed to stay still. Thank you for being there for me.

I also had a call into my PCP's office from yesterday after speaking with Leslie. Since my PCP was out, she said she'd get back to me today.

So, today came, and I received a call from the RN in my radiologist's office. She was very warm, and asked questions, and then let me ask some [unfortunately, she will not be there next week while I'm there...ratz]. Among my questions, was to see if she had my records, no such luck, so I had to "catch her up" on my plethora of Dx and some mention of my Rx, and my trips to the ER...and the way, historically, people, medical people, treat me when they hear about my pain Rx I take.

I have no idea how they come to a conclusion that I am in ANY way a "junkie" since:

1. I don't prescribe them, they are chosen for me
2. I don't like taking Rx. I have always been phobic to take them; loss of control etc. -- funny joke there, "Universe"...
3. I am still in pain, despite what I take.
4. I have side effects that are no fun at all
5. I still end up in the ER with breakthrough pain for extra help
6. I hate needles, and usually, the way to get Rx in my system to help me, is IV or in the rump.
[and the majority of RN at the hospital, think I'm not human enough to take seriously, so they actually do a "wind up" and jab me hard with the syringe, and then, if one injects is slowly, it burns less, but they tend to say, what the heck, you deserve hurt for getting these pain meds...very pleasant, eh?]
7. It costs a fortune to go to the ER and to get Rx and to pay the lab fees and the MDs on call, and not being able to work, I am concerned about my funds.
8. I could buy "toys" and go on vacation
9. I want to be healthy!!! When I was healthy, my life was hard, but it was also hard at play too. I enjoyed and life and my achievments, and I met people, and made lasting relationships, and I did Martial Arts, and I crewed hot air balloons, and I earned money, and I hiked the red rock canyons, and went to health spas, and jogged, and played, sigh, tennis, and learned new things all the time, and I did photography, and dabbled in other arts, and would be able to persue avenues of fun and work and life and hop into my car and just goooooooooooo...........points unknown...now why would I choose to pretend I'm sick and hurting, when I could be enjoying my life?!? What are they thinking?

So, tell me why do they not realize this is not my choice, it keeps me chained to my room and not far from it, lest I need help. I'm a virtual prisoner of my chronic illnesses. And, I have had specialists tell me that I really have actual disease and illnesses -- it's not in my head, they can find physical things wrong! They just can't identify what it is to cure it, or as of now, there is no cure.

This is not my choice.
This is not my diagnosis.
This is not living.

But, that was another digression yet again.
When I spoke to the nurse from the radiologist's office, she told me they will be working on 3 different areas. And so, instead of the usual hour that they set aside for the biopsy, they will be setting aside 2 hours for this one.

She said that the Dr could not offer any pain Rx. She acknowledged that I am a difficult case, but she said they'd be working with me during the procedure to keep me calm and check my comfort level. She said that I should be talking with the surgeon who referred me. I told her that he refused to help in that arena.

I mentioned I spoke about sedation, and she was glad about that, and then suggested I talk to my PCP. I told her I put a call in yesterday, and am waiting today for an answer. But that it's like I keep handing off a "hot potato" and none of the MDs want it. She agreed with me, but she could not offer anything more.

A bit later, I did get a call from Leslie, telling me to talk to my surgeon for pain medication. I told her that he is not doing anything, and has handed me off to the radiologist, and besides, he didn't seem very sympathetic to my needs and health complications.

Leslie then said, ask the radiologist. I told her that I spoke to the nurse, and she told me to go to my PCP for help, especially since he would know me and my case more intimately. Leslie and I chatted a bit more about the "hot potato" and then she said, OK, I'll put it under his nose on his desk again.

I put in a message for Gary now that I have new information about the procedure taking 2 hours instead of the usual one, and wanted to touch base to ensure that the dose still would hold over long enough. I even left word in the message that if I don't hear from him, I'll assume it's ok.

Well, Gary, the professional and kind man he is, phoned me anyway after work hours just to let me know that the dose will be fine and to not worry about that. He also said I'll probably be groggy and drowsy, that would be good...but he told me so I wouldn't panic, he knows I don't like taking Rx...thank you again dear doctor.

So, I figured I'd get a phone call tonight, but no, no luck! I'm up the stream without a paddle as of now, but I still have Friday to try to get help, and last but not least, Monday. Unfortunately, there may be a good chance that if he ups the dosage of something I'm already taking, it will take days to have it get into my system and ready for the procedure and it's backlash post-procedure.

I also sent off an email to a dear friend who has had breast surgery, and she was amazing!!! Her words were so perfect -- just enough sarcasm, and enough pathos, and reality about her experiences.
Thank you dear friend!!! I won't use her name because I feel uncomfortable posting such personal information of hers.

So, I haven't given up. I keep looking at BBS, and google different combinations of keywords to find more help and direction -- maybe even to help me find a miracle pain pill?!? Yes, yes, magical thinking again.

So, the recurring theme in my life is that I'm usually among the first to have an illness, or join a cause, or take a Rx etc...sort of trailblazing, and getting feedback from people who were to help me, that I am a malingerer, liar, or a simple fool and hysterical woman.

So, I'm tired of having to defend my illness(es) and treatment(s) -- I'm tired of having to prove I have a right to be scared and hurt. Not just to MDs -- once they get "it", they are usually advocates, but that takes a lot ofr time and their getting to know me to realize the truth in it all.

But it is a struggle with educating family and friends too. How long did I have to "prove" FMS was real, and I had it? I have always seemed to find myself in a position of peace-keeper; take care of myself and others, get the word out to the public, yet, by now, haven't I paid my dues yet? learn my "life lesson"? something?

I'm just so tired and tired and tired. It would be so much more manageable if people would believe me, and work *with* me as their default reaction, yes?

But, until then...
##

 12:00 AM - link -    

Today was a total mindblower...I am finding it hard to gain equilibrium.

Just got home about 1.5 hours ago.
Here's the scoop from Dr H, the surgeon Dr Kaplan sent me to.

He looked at the films and chatted with me and gordy and mom (I tried to get Mom to stay home, but nope..then to leave the room, but she hung in there...she's now taking atavan to help calm down...) then he went up with his radiologists to go over the films, then he came down again to "close".

The radiologis pretty much confirmed what his impression was.

Rather than excising the lump and all the calcifications, he wants to have the radiologist do "core needle biopsies" [those needles are BIG -- and it will take multiple "gunshots" to get what they want--ouch!]. I hate when MDs look to Gordy as "the man" and so when he nodded that he did wanna see it when offered by Dr H, [note -- this was at the same time I said I didn't want to] the doc pulled it out...dang! He enjoyed cocking it and "shooting"....

His impression is that the "cyst" like thing isn't too much to worry about, but there are calcifications BEHIND it, closer to the chest wall..those he wants to grab with the core needle, and check out if they are cancer, but his gut says they are less likely than the 1 in 5 chance to be cancer [that would be good].

The nipple, well, the calcification is following a track that cancer usually does down the ducts, and under and up into the nipple. He thinks this has *more* of a 1 in 5 chance of being cancer, but it's at "stage 0". That's pretty much pre-cancerous and good to find and remove it.

Unfortunately, if it is cancer, even stage 0, then surgery will follow.

Due to it's location, lumpectomy is a toughie, so he's making statements like "removing the breast". OMG! It hit me in the gut this time to hear it spoken in almost a cavalier way.

So, that's the scoop.

I will be calling the radiologist after 9:30AM tomorrow for an appt. re: biopsy. They (the MDs) have a meeting each Wed AM where they discuss and view the films et al re: all their patients, and come to a consensus on treatment etc.

So, I'll try to get in for the biopsy ASAP. Oh, yes, one term he put out there "underlined" was DCIS. I definitely belive that Dr H really does know his specialty...but..

..the two things that are "flags" besides "what if it truly is cancer" are:

1) My PCP (primary care provider) and the local surgeon I met with, both seemed to want to go and excise it totally, not core needle it.

2) When I spoke to Dr H, according to him, there is no way I can be sedated and put under at all.

Shit.

He really didn't believe, or respond to positively to my telling him "I don't want to be a hero," and that "I can't ever recall relaxing," and that "I am afraid of the Pain -- capital P pain, it is an entity that I've lived with way too long,"...!

He also wasn't thrilled that I take oxycontin (even at my small does), you can tell that he believed, as do other MDs, that this fact means I'm a slack, druggie, Republican Politian?, whatever. Historically, that has never been something that endears me to them -- they look at me with suspicion...like the reason I'm in front of them is because I want to get high. What are they thinking? They have a warped sense of reality methinks. What I'd give to just be healthy!

I love being pigeon-holed! ;p~~~~~

That's the story for now.
##

PS oh yeah, I got there at a bit after 3:00, like I was told for my 3:30 appt. He didn't see me until 4:20ish and at 4:40 head upstairs to get to the radiologists before they left at 5:00 for the day. And, then, afterwards, he seemed "put ouit" & "hurried to get out"; so my comfort level with him, and asking things was lessened. Even the front desk person(s) also was bookin', and ready to leave...as I gave her the address to my PCP's to mail his findings to, I reminded her I was here EARLY --> please don't be angry with me...why do I have to feel like crap for someone else's screw-up?

Methinks my ego is at an all time low, and I'm really scared to upset the universe in any way -- sort of like some superstition? This feeling is wrong, this feeling so awfully small and insignificant, yes?

Time to call Marilyn, I promised, but I'm not in the mood to say it out loud...shitshitshit

 10:28 PM - link -    

This one's for you Ian Upcoming Event!

Another Link re: DVR

The reading of excerpts from Dave Van Ronk's brand new memoir "The Mayor Of MacDougal Street" will be at:

The Barnes & Noble Bookstore
Sixth Ave and 8th Street in Greenwich Village
7:30 PM Wednesday May 18th

Join Elijah Wald, Tom Paxton, Andrea Vuocolo, Christine Lavin and others to hear Dave's brilliant new book being read aloud.

 10:42 PM - link -    

Ooooooh Lovely! I received a note from someone who just happend to find my blog while searching for Dave Van Ronk, and he sent the most amazingly warm, kind words that made my heart soar, and lightened my load for a bit.
And, I smiled!!! A big ol' genuine grin up and into my eyes!!!
Who knew that this was ever going to be read by anyone.

Thank you Ian -- I will be emailing you soonest, and if I get your permission, I'd love to put a link to your site!

[did I mention he's from Edinburgh?]

This weekend I had moments of non-stress /non-fear -- maybe Ian really did do some magic as he worked in his garden after all...thank you! Actually, having moments of non-panic confused me and I thought maybe I was merely enjoying and being a drama queen about the upcoming MD sessions and surgery, but the good news /bad news was that, nope, starting last night, youch -- it came back many-fold, and now I'm shaking while I wait to speak to Marilyn.

But, lest I forget, I am heartened to have actually had a moment or two of "peace" (for lack of a good adjective).

I saw both Girls and the kids this weekend. Katie came up to chat with me, she rarely does that, so I asked Gordy if maybe he said something to the kids. Well, yes he did, and so I figured that's why she was so warm and sought me out to talk girl talk. But, as I've always said, I don't 2nd guess the reason for their actions, if they (the family) want to be nice, if there is some motive behind it or not, I'll take it with open, loving arms! I so dearly love these kids and grandkids! I have adopted them in my heart a long time ago!

And I'm so sad that, no matter the outcome of the biopsy, that I will have to somehow abstain from the "Mike_Running_Into_My_Arms_And_I_Lift_Him_Into_The_Air" {{{hug}}} for way too many weeks after the surgery re: healing.

This isn't fair...just when I need unbridled love-hugs, I can't get it because my body won't let me. ;p~~~

##

 02:56 PM - link -    

Definitely an "E-Ticket" ride , and today is no different. But as of this moment, a very long day of phone calls, chasing my tail, following up and explaining and re-explaining things to many front desk personnel at doctor offices and hospitals. Oy!

But, this isn't going to be about my guilt for looking elsewhere outside of my current Surgeon here at Whidbey, nor my fear of getting someone hurt or angry, or as Marilyn called it, emotional blackmail.

No, this is about being "set free".

Yes, I finally have an appointment in Seattle on Tuesday with a surgeon Dr Kaplan recommended. He specializes in Breast surgery, and cancer. I need to get information to him via my doctor's office, and the data from WGH Imaging and Diagnostic. Edie answered the phone, and when I told her I needed my films because I was seeing another surgeon for a 2nd opinion, I heard across the wires, a resounding, "Good For You!" -- yes all in caps!

Dumfounded, I said, really? I'm afraid that Dr K will be upset, and Edie said, in a strong, secure voice, "No, he will probably think that you really care about your health!".

That meant so much to me, to hear her say that, and with such conviction! Thank you dear lady, you don't know just how important those words mean to me during this process.

[And, as a bonus, since they did find my records that were missing on Thursday, were at the surgeons office, Edie said she'd call them today, and on Monday pick them up, and have them at WGH, ready for me to pick up and bring by hand to Dr H on Tuesday. This way, I don't have to explain things to the folks at the Surgeon's office. And, Dr K, won't be in his office to look at them before Tuesday, so it's not a problem, and pretty timely even.]

Now, just to keep the theme of "E-Ticket" afloat -- it's starting to get dark(ish) and that's when my thoughts turn darker. Dang!

Well, as I watch my two cats looking like designer pieces sprawled on furniture, I can't help but sigh at their exquisiteness; and amazing souls; and generous hearts and I just ..simle.
##

 05:03 PM - link -    

This is a very well known route that we used to take to and from the Garment District in NYC when we owned our women's apparel store, Gillman's West Hartford, Inc.

For us, buying was never glamorous, au contraire! It meant getting up early in the AM, and I mean early, leaving by 5:00AM +/- to get to NYC, park, and meet with Mr Porte for coffee (or we'd go ourselves) and then, off to the races with the other buyers, going up express eleveators to the house we are going to check out their line, and /or to pick up special orders for our customers.

There would be lunch, in between munching on the candies or nuts, or some houses had nothing to nosh on, as they presented their new line.

Some places that we went to still had a model come out and show a garment off for us, but that was the exception rather than the norm. A taste of "high end" and a gentler time.

We'd try to get our work done and get onto the highway out of the city by 4:30, to just miss the greatest part of the traffic, but sometimes magic worked...sometimes not.

When I was young, Dad would take a cab to the train station in Hartford, and get to NYC that way. Late at night he's take the cab home, unless Mom picked him up, with us in tow. That was very exciting for me. But, despite the oh, so long day for Dad, I remember that as a young'n, I'd hear him shaving in our only full bathroom (he used to turn the water on as he needed it, then off, on, off so as not to waste it, nor raise the water bill).

If he heard me stirring, or sometimes I'd even croak out a "Daddy", when he went downstairs for a quick bite of toast and jam, and coffee, he'd come back up with cinamon toast, as he kissed me good bye and tuck me in. What a special Dad.

All that leads up to this news item I saw yesterday, and the photo of a landmark highway we took frequently to NYC on our buying trips. There were alternate routes, but this was on of them.
##

Wall Collapses Onto a Busy Manhattan Highway

By ROBERT D. McFADDEN
Published: May 13, 2005

 01:37 PM - link -    

Shhhhh....I've got a secret. It's sneaking in more and more, especially since today's meeting with the Surgeon. It is "the big sleep"...what if I'm dying? What if it is cancer, and it hasn't been caught in time?

Apparently, the "calcifications" are "micro-calcifications" that have been seen on my mammogram since '02. The reason they have flagged it now, is that it's growing...i.e. more. So, what makes it cancer v. calcification? What makes it cancer v. benign?

I'm sooooo scared. Terrified. Is there a word to tell you how shaken I am? I don't think so.

And, these choices I make can mean life or death.

Is the cart before the horse? You bet. But, what human who is going through this process, and as slowly as I have had to have it drawn it out, where one thinks of the worse possible scenario(s)?

Is there a correct answer? Is there something MORE I should be doing? Have I forgotten to ask something, or try something? Where is God? Or Spirit? Should I be going to temple, or church, or should I go to a "healer"? What is the right combination of actions and beliefs and choices are there to make this be successful.

Guided imagery? Imagining the cancer being in a fight with the medication?

The miracle, where do I find it. How do I make it happen?

I'm so tired and confused and afraid of my choices. I am so terrified. Oh, do I hope that all is benign and I have to enter a post here on this blog stating what a buffoon I've been, and I have to apologize for wasting bandwidth, and I blush ferociously while stating everything is OK, so nevermind.

Please?!! I pray for help and guidance. I can not do this one alone.
##

 12:34 AM - link -    

Living on an island, sounds idyllic, no? No! At least where night life and /or health is concerned.

I met with the Surgeon, and when he went to open up the films and go over them with me (Mom and Gordy too), as he put them up, he noticed that there were no current films (2005) for the Breast In Question (except for the ultrasound).

The appointment was for 4:30, it didn't start 'til after 5:00, so, of course, Imaging at WGH was closed!
They did get someone on the phone, who insisted we had the correct films, in fact that we had them ALL. Wrong!

So, Dr K went to meet with his other patient while the staff tried to grab someone "after hours" and locate the missing films. No luck. So, the surgeon evaluated me based solely on the radiolotists reports. He said that the odds were 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 that it is Cancer. That there are 2 "lumps" with calcification, as well as under the nipple. And, there was some talk about the lymph nodes.

What he presented to me were the two basic options, Stereotactic, which would be "bits and bites" and hit or miss, or surgery, which would excise it all.

My understanding gets quite fuzzy here. I think that at this point, he sends the things he removes to the radiologist and pathologist while I'm still under. If they are not cancerous, and there is a match to what they saw on the mammogram, then it's sew me up and go.

If they are cancerous (remember 1 of 4 or 1 of 5 are) then they keep removing tissue, widening the margin, until it's "clear".

At that point I get an oncologist, and start some type of therapy.

Since Whidbey has "visiting" specialists -- for oncology, they come from Virginia Mason, they give the "orders" and they are carried out by the hospital. BUT, there is no one here for consultation 24x7, no specialists here around the clock and calendar year.

But if I went to Swedish, as I would perfer, and see Dr Kaplan as my oncologist, they have a comprehensive care situation, all in Seattle. And they live life beyond 5:00, and there will be someone there to contact. But, to travel back and forth for care (if needed -- i.e. the calcifications are cancer) would exhaust me even more than I am with my FMS et al now.

Dr K said that the group Western Washington oncologists are all "family" and Dr Kaplan could give orders to a "visiting oncologist from Virginia Mason" who would then say, ok, and order the folks at WGH to do them. That still leaves me without support.

But to travel to Seattle is unrealistic too.

Yes, the proverbial cart is before the horse, but dang, they are so intertwined as to what choice I make now with the Surgeon that I need help detangling it. I don't think I feel, from past experience, most secure putting my life in the hands of a "visiting oncologist" who is not accesible, and in a hospital that basically, like the Island, shuts down at 5:00.

Dang.
I need some sound (all puns intended -- get it? Puget Sound?) advice. This puzzle feels very much like when I built my house, I had to make decisions that truly were guesses or instincts or sheer insanity based on vapor, since the piece of the house it was to go with, or depend on, wasn't built yet. ARGHHH!

So, there is no paradise at this time for me.
##

 07:26 PM - link -    

 02:27 PM - link -    

The brat is back today as I await for the appointment with the surgeon for the consult /preparation for the biopsy.

I am literally shaking and finding it hard to breathe. Anxiety, you bet! Fear, mindless fear. It's hard to focus, and easy to snap at people. I did some deep cleaning around the house, just bits and spots, and as anyone will tell you, that is *so* not like me LOL. But that only helped momentarily, it really allowed me to think, and thinking is not good. It's not easy for my thinking to go in a positive way...my default is like my Dad's -- worry! Prepare! ad nauseum

I phoned Swedish for an appointment with the folks recommended by Dr Kaplan, just in case, and I hope I can get in PDQ, so I can compare and contrast. I am sooooo afraid.

Knowledge is power, but it also let's me imagine, factually, oy! There are risks and choices, and choices are not my forte, nor is change. Did you know getting a new diagnosis is change? Yep, it is! It's a life change. And, it's not always so easily fixed, actually it rarely is.

For example, there is a good chance that there will be scar tissue, adhesions (remember that word in earlier posts?) which will make future mammograms and diagnosis very difficult. So, that's a scary change. Did I tell you I don't like change?

Did I tell you my house has been changing (messily I might add) since last May /June? And keeps getting changed and rearranged and 3 very different styles of living exist in a very small space made for one...specifically made for moi! I built this with my furniture in mind. With my lifestyle in mind, and possible future lifestyle in mind in case I got seriously ill. Ooooops! I guess I tempted the fates by doing that, and here I thought I was being efficient and creative and ... well, nevermind -- suffice to note that it is far from what I hoped this space would be for me and mine.

So, I'm hopping tht journaling this to the universe will dissipate some of my anxiety, and I hope that I will be proven to be afraid for nought, and that the biopsy procedures will be "cake" and easy recovery despite my chronic TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms) [i.e. MPS, FMS, TMD, TMJ, IBS et al]. And, the tissue will prove to be benign. Oh please please please?!?

Well, Mom just broke my meditative spell of pouring fears out onto this blog, and I'm back to the way I was feeling as I began this entry.

Caring for her is a whole other can o' worms to say the least.

I'm soooooo exhausted, were that I could sleep right now?!?
If anyone reads this, please send healing and positive vibes and prayers my way. I am certainly a baby and a brat, but I'm willing to beg for help in hopes that y'all are willing to channel good feelings and prayers my way.

Thank you in advance -- chins up!!! [oh, Aunt Anna I do miss you!]
Peace!
##

 01:50 PM - link -    

Hope. That's what was written on my purple rubber "Relay Walk for Life" bracelet I purchased at the doctor's office today.

I left my appointment today with more than a word, but a feeling of hope again, and some renewed energy...thank you to all who helped make this happen.

My talk with my physician clarified my options, and encourgement about his faith in my Surgeon, who I am meeting with tomorrow. The emphasis is on "make sure that they get all the tissue they need to get a diagnosis". To go back in would be a very stressful and time-eating situation. He explained that the most "invasive" procedure would leave me with a "divot" about 1+ inches, and that would include removing the entire (mystery) mass. And, there would still be a need for a procedure to get at the calcification beneath the nipple. When I asked what questions should I ask the surgeon, and he again mentioned that we need to do what would it take to get enough for a sample.

I asked about lidocane et al, and he said that is usually what is done, but if I am going to be "edgy" and moving around, that I should discuss it with my surgeon, and he could use an anesthesia that is like similar to the one I had when I had the Colonoscopy and Endoscopy. I asked if that was "dangerous" and was assured that it wasn't; again it is like what I had before, you just don't remember it.

We also have a renewed plan on how to tackle my abdominal symptoms (surprisingly, I sort of felt like because I'm going through this health anxiety, that my abdominal would wait in the queue, not overlap -- what was I thinking?). And I'm going to add another Rx to my repetoire. I tried it before, but it was so long ago, just after my surgery in '03, that it may work now that things tend to be more "calm". So my toes and fingers are crossed that this helps!

I also set up an appointment for an X-ray for Mom because her hips are really hurting her to the point that it's tough for her to walk. She has refused to go to see the Dr., so we're going the back way in to an appointment. After he gets the x-rays, we'll meet with him and hope to relieve her pain.

Before I left to check out of the office, Dr D came in and spoke with me. She talked to Hank Kaplan on the phone. He was my Dad's Oncologist, and I trust him beyond words. And Dad trusted him too. He is an amazing man and an amazing physician! Well, he's not taking more patients, but when Dr D spoke to him, she received 2 recommendations of who might do the biopsy in Seattle, out of Swedish. I told her that as of now, I am going locally after talking with my doctor, but if for some reason I don't feel like we would do well together, I'll go back to the office, and get referred to one of these two surgeons Dr Kaplan recommended.

Dr D also said, "If I am going to be on my deathbed, there is no one I'd rather have by my side...!" and I know what she means. He's amazing. But so is Dr D. She also talked about who I am, and that he may remember my father, a former patient, Raymond, and he said "Oh yes! I remember Ray" with such fondness in his voice. Dad is still watching out for me, and paving a path for care by his actions and his strength of character while he was with us. Thank you Dad.

And thank you to all you wonderful people at the office who have taken my phone calls, answered my plethora of questions, and who offer hugs along with care.

Yes, today's word is HOPE.
##

addendum; I had volunteered my time and "talents" years ago to building a site for them...good karma?

 04:35 PM - link -    

May 10th! Merely 12 months ago Evan Everett Valdez was born to Jenny and William Valdez! and sibling to Robyn !!!

Time has flown -- the circle game still rings true as ever!

After a bunch of life-deflating events today, voila, ici! A birthday party for Evan, my Grandson (in my heart if not blood). William (Evan's Daddy) is, unfortunately, still in Iraq, and he was hugely missed, but the party was lovely.

Jenny has decorated it wonderfully...very artistic and stylish, yet warm and fuzzy. The regulars were there, my Mom, Candi and Gary, me and Gordy, Robby and his LOML, Hannah, Katie and Mikey, (Gordy and I had to have a "command performance" for Mike to go to bed, reading "Goodnight Stinky Face"), and of course, the main act(s), Jenny and Evan and Robyn were there.

I left my camera at Jenny's, so I don't have snaps to post, but I hope to get to them sometime soon.?!?

Ooops, I daren't forget Eliot and Shane were there too. There was pizza, and artichoke dip (Papa's fav) and Phish Ice Cream, and Mint Chocolate cake. Very good time, and glad I pushed the extra miles to get there and not miss this memory in the making. I've taken a sleeping pill, but, my brain and over-working mind won't let it kick in. But let's hope...toes and fingers are crossed.

I have one MD appt. tomorrow, and Thursday, ugh, I meet with the surgeon to discuss the biopsy and other nasties. Gulp.

But, who knows, I may get hit by a coyote between now and then, so I should just "chill" and take each day as it happens -- hey, a gal can dream, eh? Goals are good, yes?

I can't wait to share snaps of this lovely time tonight. I feel very much a part of something bigger and better than me for the moment...I need to absorb this, and scare away the thoughts that I'm just a person who is a "tagalong" -- heck, it seemed most real that Mikey and Robyn jumped on me and played with me and it was delightful. Evan and I communed a bit when no one was looking. shhhh.

Well, little one Valdez, Happy healthy humor-filled Birthday to you sweetling!

{{{hugs}}}

 01:35 AM - link -    

I just sooooo tired all the time and this waiting is a killer.

And (shhhh, don't tell anyone) but my nerves are shot and I get really really angry when people are so DULL and refuse to take initiative, or multi-task...and I have zero patience for those types.

And, when I phone in the the DR's office and get silly run-arounds and 'tude when I call for my Mom's health needs, well that just burns me..yet, go figure -- because I *need* them and their support for future health issues with Mom or me, I have to not only take it from them, but bend over and grin while it happens! ;p~~~~~~~~

In 40 minutes I have a Marilyn appoinment... and I hope it does some goodstuff for me...some insight or help. I really really really REALLY need a vacation...a space and time for me. Simply me (and the cats ).

I need to regenerate the ol' battery...there has to be a way, I need to find that way -- but it doesn't appear to be in my future at all -- seems like I just have to keep after everyone and clean up after everyone and think for everyone and then, take their moods tossed at me and swallow it until I burst.
Maybe that's the thing that obstructs my Bowel and got me to ER yesterday? orrrrr...maybe it resides in my left one, hence, the elusive thing they couldn't find? I wonder, can technology see via xray, but not ultrasound, emotional bile? LOL I can see the artical in JAMA now!

My gut is hurting again -- no big news that, I overdid today, but that was more because things have to get done DONE and some who are "helping" are creating more problems and more work because of their realities and inability to move faster than a snail, nor retain information unless it deals directly with their own stuff.

Oh, my kingdom for some time in Antiqua [with my cats of course -- can you imagine their delight in such a nice white huge litter box au naturale]?!? They really need some time to recover too -- we all turn to them for love and calm -- they just keep on giving and giving and giving to alluvusns! Poor wee ones. At least they can go to the cathouse during the day if so inclined.

Count down to Marilyn...
just about 25 minutes more....
##

 03:36 PM - link -    

Move On .org had a contest ...here's the winner!

take this link...

If you're inclined to sign the petition now, this is where to go to the petition...!

Thank you, pax!
##

 03:16 PM - link -    

Last update for the weekend. Another shock to the ol soul .. stress with a capital SSSSS!

Dr Denena phoned about 8:00PM. I had left a voicmail with the need to hear what they learned yesterday. Dr D did really well by phoning and telling me the data /resulrs. It has to be pretty tough on her to phone and potentially deliver bad news..she's an angel.

But I digress, to shorten the story, suffice to say that it appears that the cyst that didn't appear on the ultrasound, but it did on he mammogram(s), they figure it's in really deep, and it probably isn't a cyst, and it can't be touched via the procedures outlined below in previous entries, as it's too deep, so there looks like there will be some sort of surgery happening.

The question has been brought up that they may want to have a surgeon there to get at it, and if deemed necessary, to take the "cyst" out -- how much of the breast it would entail I don't know as of today.

Dr D was fantastic, and she offered to follow up and contact Dr H, a woman surgeon associated with WGH to see if she could do the surgery -- and also said she'd talk to Kaplan to see if he prefers a different surgeon, one more local to Swedish, perform the biopsy and procedure...or, maybe go to Everett for the surgery. She's a humane gem. She's trying to convince me to not stress until we know something for sure -- but easier said than done.

Well, finally my eyes are droopy, gotta brush the ivories, and listen to Rebecca and maybe drift off to sleep...???

Ooopsie, I drifted off while typing; send light and healing prayers to help me be ok. Peace!

##

 01:44 AM - link -    

Here's a photo of the lamp for Kim as stated in an earlier e:

 05:19 AM - link -    

Highly Unusual... is what Dr C said after they took the ultra-sound. Patsy had difficulty locating the cyst -- she pressed pretty hard, and I'm sensitive, always, to begin with. So, she had to work hard, (read press deeply and hard and over and over multiple times) to find *something* -- ANYthing...and it hurt! She guessed they had got a lymph node on the x-ray.

*ennh* Wrong-o.

When she left to get the snaps looked at by the radiologist... I waited, and waited, and waited...and by now I was having deja-vu from when I had "Mammo Take II" and the Radiologist came out to talk to me, so, in my gut of guts, I just knew someone other than Patsy would be coming to chat. Enter Dr C.

Dr C said this is highly unusual. This rarely occurs. He asked when I am scheduled for my biopsy. I told him I don't have a clue, I meet with the Surgeon on Thursday, next. He said, "you agreed to have the ultra-sound, well we need to get an appointment for more mammography"...I said it took a long time last time to get an appt. -- that they were very busy, he told me that it isn't an emergency, that this was just very unusual, and that to do it right, they needed "roll-over" shots, and more magnification shots, and would I agree to more mammography? I said yes, like I have a choice? Hah!

Again, I told him about the difficulties getting in for xray et al, and he said, it's not like you have an appendicitis, it can wait a week, or a month...[hah -- yeah, if it was his left nut, he may be feeling it was more *urgent* IMNSHO...] that he just think the rollover et all mammo would be better before I get the biopsy and get "tender"!

Jeeeeze. I am "sensitive" in that area to begin with -- and just getting pummelled by different devices, [yes, ultra-sound can hurt if used to dig and rub over and over to *find* something that isn't located, ugh!] after recently being manipulated for the mammogram...well it hurts. It's kind of like when I got my ears pierced, despite everyone doing it, and people saying it didn't hurt, it really really hurt me! I wanted to stop at one lobe!

Add FMS and MPS to pushing, prodding and trigger and tender points, and you get pain! LOL

On the plus side, Linda talked to Dr C and told him she would fit me in right away!!! She's an angel!
Waiting more and more would drive me over the edge of the edge ;-). An absolute doll to put herself under more pressure at work. Dr C tried to question her out of fitting me in -- but Linda was firm [thank you linda].

She took the x-rays requested, and came back not too long after, with Dr C's request for some MORE mammos thank you very much!

So, I waited *outside* in the waiting room, and was told to go home by Linda, because Dr C was going to read them carefully to try to figure out what's going on. So, this is sort of a limbo. But, I will be meeting with Koo on Thursday, and I will be scheduling the biopsy et al.

Oh, yes, another gem that came from Dr C -- he said they are definitely NOT cysts! Oy! That is not what I wanted to hear!!! Dang!!! If it was a cyst, that would mean it wasn't cancer...that isn't what was determined by the ultra-sound.

So, here I is, splitting headache, on the verge of a migraine that has haunted me since I woke up...time for some Rx, and maybe some zzzzzzzz's.

I did get gas in Mom's car, and I did get me a ceiling fan for $25, and we had ice-cream cones at KaPaws in Coupeville -- yum!

Peace! Prayers and light and healing energy please?

Thank you in advance!

##

 05:47 PM - link -    

Waiting to go to WGH is nerve-wracking. This test should be pretty painless, it's an ultra-sound, and that should be pretty benign of a test...and I don't think they are gonna look much at the pieces part that they think is cancer -- they'll spend most of their time examining the cyst which they think isn't to worry about -- but, until they give me the "a-ok" on it, I can't turn my fear off.

So, I'm shaking. Literally shaking.

I'm sure all will be fine, and that I'll probably be ok (odds are in my favor re: the biopsy) but I'm a tenacious lass (at least and most politely put) and I don't tend to panic or make lots of noise in pain et al -- stoic is more like me, but once the guard gets let down, well...it's very hard for me to put the walls back up, or to stop my brain from going to unspeakable places.

I'm scared.

And it's a pretty day out, very pretty, and the yard is blossoming, and the catties are adorable, and I don't want to die...and that is what hit me yesterday, is that if I go beyond all the tests, and if needed, procedures, there still is a chance of dying. And, I don't want to die. I don't want to write my will. I don't want to have to rethink the process we have set up for Mom's care, and her assets, and think about who will be worthy of loving the catties as good as I do, and how to dole out my property etc.

There are only two things that I own that are already going to a home, and that is my Chihuly "Jerusalem Spears" goes to Marilyn Kremen, and my recently handed to me by Mom, my "tit lady lamp" [that's my quickie description of it] goes to Kim Salyer.

The lamp is of a lady doing mudras, and she may be shiva? or she may be quan yin, but she looks mostly like a thai lady to me, and she's beautiful and bountiful and this is the lamp that goes to Kim.

The rest of my things, I really am at a loss on how to distribute things, and I am so tired of decisions I have to make for so many people...and, I'm shaking still, as I think of going north to WGH.

I know, breathe......but, it's difficult.

Chins Up! a la my Aunt Anna

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 12:37 PM - link -    

Positive news on the appointment front! I just received a phone call from WGH Diagnostic and Imaging Department, and instead of having to wait until next Tuesday for the ultrasound, they had a cancellation this AM and phoned me to come in tomorrow at 1:00.

The waiting is a bear -- so this is goodness, and this procedure shouldn't be painful, just more information -- maybe some good news v. more scary stuff? My toes and fingers are crossed in hopes of same -- but I don't dare hope too hard -- so far this hasn't been one of my better runs re: a health situation.

I'm grateful that they remembered me and phoned me as soon as there was an available spot! That was very kind of them.

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Ooops -- it's raining...maybe I can zone out again from the world with the pitter patter of raindrops hitting my skylight??? A girl can hope, can't she?

 09:32 AM - link -    

Caution -- if you are squeamish -- don't look at the snaps -- heck, don't even read this!
So, this is what you may experience after the follow up mammogram...or hopefully not...!

This is a very good site, at WebMD, with information that seems to be objective.
There are different types of biopsies that the Surgeon chooses from after a consult -- I guess that's why I don't go directly to the radiologist and have it done ASAP, but to the surgeon first.

This site also shows snaps along with general information, which is a mixed blessing -- but methinks I'd rather know than not know?!? We'll see.

They also offer a nice "set of questions" to pose to your surgeon:

* Ask about brochures or other information about the test.
* State any concerns you have about the test.

My understanding of what they planned to do, was to have an ultrasound for the "cyst" they found, and a biopsy for the "calcification" they see -- but maybe they'll do an ultrasound on both. They also mentioned that they would most likely do the stereotactic biopsy -- but things change, and the surgeon wasn't consulted yet.

And, there are the RISKS...:

Risks

There is a slight chance of developing an infection in the area where the biopsy was done. If an infection occurs, it can usually be treated easily with antibiotics. If general anesthesia is used, there is a small risk of death from the complications of the anesthesia.

An open biopsy may cause a blood blister to develop where the incision was made.

Core needle and stereotactic breast biopsies may leave a small round scar; open biopsies leave a small straight line scar. The scar usually fades and becomes less noticeable 6 to 12 months after the operation. A fine-needle biopsy usually does not cause a scar.

Scarring of the breast tissue from an open biopsy can interfere with the results of future mammograms. This can be avoided by using the stereotactic biopsy method.

Because a needle biopsy collects tissue from such a small area, there is a chance that a cancerous growth may be missed. This is called a sampling error.

There will be more reportage, or venting, or ranting, or blithering as needed .

One thing I must comment on is the COURAGE that all the women before me have shown, and how I ADMIRE them and their RESOLVE and ATTITUDE(s).

Moi? I'm frightened into my very own shell, found under a rock where the uglies hide, and I don't even have a final diagnosis..., yet there are so many women, and some are women I know personally, that have proven to be amazing, resilient , courageous souls and (unknown to them) my mentors and inspirations (and, truth be known, at times people who shame me by their bravery).

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 08:08 PM - link -    

Today was mammogram take II and I don't like the results.

I have to come back for two different issues.
1. They want to do an ultrasound on what they believe is a cyst
2. They want me to meet with a local surgeon, who will order a biopsy to be done by the radiologist at WGH

I'm not sure why #2 has to go through a surgeon since he's not doing the procedure. Curiouser and Curiouser...especially since the radiologist is the one to recommend this procedure, and the surgeon isn't even doing it.

So, the understatement of the year is that I'm scared to pieces and bits and more! They are still pretty booked, so things won't happen very quickly, but it will be faster than the 2-3 week wait I had to endure from original mammogram until this one.

I have an appointment with Marilyn scant moments from now...I need her badly -- will maybe write later!

peace!

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 05:57 PM - link -    

Tomorrow is finally here..well close... and I'm scared to pieces and bits..I'm literally shaking.
I know I shouldn't be "freaking", but I can't stop it.

I dunno if I wrote about this before, but a while ago I got a phone call from a nurse in Dr Waite's office, telling me I have to go for a "Diagnostic Mamogram" and it shook me up! Her "bedside", nay phoneside manner sure lacks. The way she told me, I felt this was a done deal...it has shook my world.

I've been told to get another film before due to irregular readings, and needing to verify, but she told me that it is a DIAGNOSTIC one, and there's a huge difference between the messages.

Now, to add insult to injury, the soonest they could get an appointment for me at WGH Imaging, was not until MAY 11th!!! Way too long to sit on this "secret". I call it a secret, because I didn't want to freak out my Mom. Whenever she thinks I'm ill, like when we go to the ER et al, or if I complain about something, she gets the bejeezus scared out of her because her "anchor" is in jeapordy, and that means she and her future is that much scarier.

After a couple weeks, I told her what was up, because I think she was picking up on the vibes of "THE SECRET" (the capital letters are her's...her paranoia was exacerbated) so I determined that she really needed to hear that is wasn't about her and sending her away or anything like that. I think that it was the best choice after all.

But back to today. I worked really hard to sleep away the day and hide from reality -- besides, when I talked to Gary Weil, MD (is this babbling and re-babbling of old news already written? mea culpa) he said I am not getting enough sleep, and that's the truth as we played detective as to "what is different" to make me so horribly sad and anxious...so I had some Rx upped in dosage.

All this moving and tossing and trying to please everyone (and it is not working LOL...but I gots to try anyhoo) and they all need it done yesterday of course...but I haven't had time for me and to sleep during the day for a nap, nor am I able to quiet my mind to sleep at night...I can't even get my sleeping Rx to work...egads!

But, I was able to zone out (mostly) today.

And, Mom has come down with a nasty cough, and that is scary too. I'm glad that we have an appt. set up for her tomorrow. Phew! And, Kim will be helping Mom do her bills tomorrow, and will spend time with her which will distract her from where I'll be at WGH -- if she even remembers. Maybe she'll be "off" on a cellular level -- and Kim is a good person to be there with her! She's an amazing friend, and a great resource too...!

Anyway, back to the appointment manana. So, it was slated for May 11th -- ugh, but I got it moved up after many calls, to May 3rd -- and I am afraid, and can not control that fear, it's just oozing again, after a decent job of denial and sublimation to date.

So...I'm afraid and hurty and teary-eyed and on the verge of a "break down". Dang! I can't have Mom see that happen, it will scare her big time.

Tomorrow is full -- I gots to go WGH, then Mom's appointment at Waite's office, then ...ahhhh, sigh of relief, my Marilyn appointment at 6:00PM -- she's my rock and tether...and I can be absolutely me with no editing required when I talk to Marilyn -- we do a phone session and it is so comfortable and easy to chat via the phone or face to face.

Send light, or prayers my way if you read this! Time to sign off for now...toes and fingers are crossed (and I'm breathing shallowly -- b r e a t h e IN and e x h a l e! ).

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 09:54 PM - link -