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This is the 3rd consecutive visit with Mom that is upsetting, and I fear Mom is failing. I hope I'm wrong, I pray I'm wrong, I hope she rallies...she's finally in a nice place with nice people to care about and for her, and it's so much easier to visit her (despite today's 3 boat wait). Three weeks ago she was very very shaky, crying and agitated. "No! No! No! dont!" in between crying was the majority of our time that day. Two weeks ago, she was more calm, still tears, but not strong, she didn't eat much at all.. she was humoring me /us by nibbling a bit. She held hands with Gordy and rarely let go. I laid my head on her shoulder for a bit as she rested. Love. Today, she was aware, but her speech was even less comprehensible. She kept falling to sleep, but it wasn't the heat as I would have imagined, it was exhaustion of some sort. Just before we came in, I looked inside, and saw her hunched over (she hasn't been walking like that in a very long time) and got up from a chair, then tried the bathroom door, then walked and examined a table, then back walking towards the couch, etc. like she was trying to get out of herself. She looked so much thinner in just one week's time. She also looked dehydrated, and she drank the Starbucks Mocha Lite Frappacino (she always referred to it as "chocolate milk") greedily, which felt good that we brought it. She was very chatty when she didn't nod off, but again, she didn't speak easily, mostly numbers. She did manage to read "frappacino", stumbling just a bit. And she knew who I was. She did later say, "I love you baby" and other things that indicated she knew exactly who I was. She also had her usual mannerisms, and wanted to joke and laugh. We took her for a ride to get a DQ, and she enjoyed the drive, and then fell to sleep the 3 block trip to DQ, but I roused her at the drive through. She couldn't orient on the cone at first, but then did OK, and loved it. That was a plus, but she was angry /upset when we tried to stop the drips, or take the paper from the cone, etc. She's still Mom. You do not want to get her upset /angry at you! When we got back, we spoke some more to Nic and he said this whole week she was upset, angry and agitated. But he knows to let her feel what she needs to feel, and doesn't take it personally. We also chatted about "inappropriate licking" (like when she thought my hand was the ice cream cone ) but he smiled, but was quick to educate me that Mom doesn't mean anything by it, that she just isn't aware that it isn't considered appropriate to us. I loved that he so got it. I knew that she wasn't doing anything truly wrong, but I love that he jumped in to defend Mom and educate me on what was going on. Like I said, they are good people. Of course there are a lot of other things that just are not easily put into words, like hugging her and her being just bones and frail, or seeing her eyes roll up to the top of her head before her eyelids closed completely as she drifted off...just like Olivia's were when she was given the pre-euthanasia meds. It's hard to not make the comparison; the weight loss, the lack of energy, the loss of strength, the sleepiness, the weeknesss...it's frightening for me to see. Nic said he'd be talking to Vickie re: the mental health issue of her acting out, and crying out family names, but I'm very afraid and scared for Mom, for me! Intellectually, and emotionally, I only want what is best for Mom to happen for her. She deserves what is right for her -- quality of life, kindness, love -- not pain, fear, lonliness, anxiety, confusion... and yet, my heart can't bear the thought of losing her yet. I truly can't imagine life with her not on this planet. That is unbearable to me. So, while I want whatever she wants for herself to be reality, I can't help but fight it. I love her and need her still. This week I'm going to make more "american spaghetti" and hopefully am able to make the trip over to Mom's myself so Gordy can have a day to work.. today was more intrusive than expected with the extra boats wait. And he was exhausted. I'm pretty lucky, as is Mom, to have Gordy be there for me, and most importantly, Mom. She relies on him so. And he's quite good with her, teasing etc. So, this was not a good visit. I am afraid for us. I love her so infinitely much, but, as ever, despite trying to do the best I can do to communicate with her and /or anticipate her needs, I fall short. I only pray she can truly feel my love, admiration, respect and devotion. I love my mother more than she ever can know. Peace
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01:54 AM - link - |
We salute the Grammy nomination of the late great
Dave Van Ronk's final concert album: 
