Watch the 47th Grammy's and look for DVR's Wife and Producer, Andrea Vuocolo Vanronk, and our beloved Christine Lavin [who helped edit it] February 13, 2005 8PM on CBS.
William Valdez is our Son-in-Law Extrodinaire. You can support our troops via this site, and support William, personally, if you wish. His TFT ID is 1862195 Thank you!
Jeapordy answer is: "36+ hours without Power or heat" What do you call an insomniac's nightmare?
Yessiree, we were feeling sooooo smug about our having power when the rest of the Island was down and out, until....~4:00 AM yesterday! Soon we were odd man out, and were "lonely little petunias in the onion patch" as the rest of the Island began to get their power back.
My final call to PSE for the automated updates was about 11:45 AM, today, and we [Greenbank] were among the last 2000 people to get our power restored, out of the 750,000 that I first heard about when I phoned PSE the first time.
Platitudes are based in reality, cuz "timing is everything" came into play regarding heat; or not heat.
I had just noticed that the propane fireplace looked less than roaring almost 2 days before the power outtages. Not knowing what was to come, Gordy said not to call yet for more Propane until he checks the meter...he's right, they prefer that we have a clue, but this time he was late in getting a look-see, he checked it out after the Island outtages on Island started to happen, especially in Oak Harbor, where the dispatcher is...so...brrrrrrrr!
As an aside, the past 2 nights were gloriously clear, and the blue-white light on the snow...well, ahhhhhh, it felt like "home" aka CT.
As long as I'm keying in and my hands are not hurting from the CTS, I must say that the net truly offers an outlet, and plethora of news for those that are looking.
I didn't find exactly what I was seeking regarding the News coverage of what happened at Camp Loyalty Base, but I did find a LOT of "underground" publications from military personnel which gives me some hope that others feel as I do, the truth is out there [I know, I know, but I'm not referring to the x-files ] if you just key in the "magic combination" of words.
There is many a diary from our troops currently in Iraq, and the good, bad and the ugly that they are experiencing.
I'm not going to post any links here, lest I get someone in trouble, but some time when you have time, and are curious, do a few searches on Iraq, and you may find some very interesting and disturbing pieces from the Iraqi and Korean front. I'm sure there are other reportage to find from different camps and bases around the world, but these were the two I ran across while searching the past few days. ##
I'm really upset about the lack of news coverage and the availability of it regarding Iraq.
As Gordy wrote in his blog about Jenny's being randomly pulled over in Fort Carson, CO., and the bru-ha-ha that ensued, and the killer bit of the piece, that she had been text messaging with William, when he said, "What was that?" referring to a loud boom, and the text-messaging wait that followed, well, it just stinks that I could find no coverage about the attack on Camp Loyalty, Iraq.
There was supposed to be some story on CNN when William spoke to Jenny, a nail-biting day later, but nothing, nada, rien!
So, I keep lookin for the facts. Nosiree, I can't find 'em, just one obscure mention about it, as an aside in some obscure paper.
Now I know Viet Nam was nasty for a lot of reasons, but, it always had nightly coverage. ALWAYS. Some folks said we became numbed to the news, but, methinks that it was we had to put up a wall to survive the news, a sort of "safe distancing", but I doubt any of us really weren't affected, effected by the nightly assault on our senses. I truly believe that it is so important to let us know what is going on, really really going on.
I think that if more people had a clue of what war looked and sounded like, not just the heroics and count of the people who died, then the truth would cause citizens to think extra hard before tossing around words like, "Pulling or phasing us out in a few months", and /or "Waiting for us to 'Win'", or other delaying tactical goals.
I'm truly disappointed in our press. Today more so than ever now that, as Gordy succintly put it, "Iraq just got personal".
But, he's safe and I am sending gobs of white light his way, and encourage y'all to put in a good word for William too in your prayers.
Good News about the Middle East. I truly hope this one lasts, and allow the people in that region to breathe better and relax some, only time will tell, but I'm hoping this is a change for good.
Israel and Palestinians Reach Truce After Months of Fighting in Gaza
JERUSALEM, Sunday, Nov. 26 — Israel withdrew its troops from the Gaza Strip early Sunday morning as part of a surprise cease-fire agreement reached late Saturday night by Israeli and Palestinian leaders to end five months of fighting.
The agreement also called for Palestinians to stop their own attacks at 6 a.m. Sunday. But rocket and mortar fire from Gaza continued to strike southern Israel.
“Let’s hope that’s just the problems of the beginning,” The Associated Press quoted an Israeli government spokeswoman, Miri Eisin, as saying. “But if Israel is attacked, we will respond. If there are Palestinian factions that are not part of the cease-fire, it’s hard to see how the cease-fire will hold.”
The accord is the most serious effort to end the fighting in Gaza. However, it is not clear how widely it will be embraced by Palestinian militants. In the past, the Palestinian Authority has been unable or unwilling to control the numerous factions involved in the fighting with Israel.
But after meeting in Gaza with several Palestinian factions involved in firing rockets into Israel, the Palestinian prime minister, Ismail Haniya of Hamas, said Saturday that they had agreed to abide by the cease-fire.
Shortly before the deadline Sunday morning, Hamas fired three rockets at the southern Israeli town of Sderot, it told Reuters. One landed in the city, damaging a home but causing no injuries, the Israeli military said. [snip] . . . On Saturday, Israeli troops and Palestinian militants fought as they have almost every day in recent months. Two Palestinians were killed, including a Hamas militant who died in an Israeli airstrike in the evening, Palestinian security officials said.
In addition, only hours before the cease-fire was announced, Khaled Meshal, the Hamas political leader, who is in exile, said in Cairo that the Palestinians would launch a new uprising unless there was clear progress toward a Palestinian state along the 1967 borders.
“We give them six months,” Mr. Meshal said of Israel. If there is no progress during this time, “the Palestinian people will close all the political ledgers and come out in a third uprising.” The previous Palestinian uprisings began in 1987 and in 2000.
It's Thanksgiving Day today in the US. And although there are many things that make me sad, or that I'm not happy with, I have to take time to reflect on some especially wonderful things in my life today.
I love the internet.
When I was living alone and house-bound, it gave me a vehicle to socialize through CU-SeeMe, and I met some awfully wonderful people then. Now it gives me a way to learn things that interest me, or are urgent to me, or a way to talk to family and friends who live far away, and even closely.
And, as I write, I'm listening to a streaming audio station that plays 20's 30's and 40's music, which I not only enjoy, but it makes me feel closer to my Mom and Dad as I get transported to the black and white photos of theirs, and hear the soundtrack of their lives.
I am grateful that, synchronicity works great some times, such as today getting the new login /password set up so I could modify William's address in his Treat for Troops account, and maybe someone here will decide to sponsor him and send him a package of goodies today:
I'm grateful that last night Gordy used his new scanner to scan in images from his youth to share with his family at today's "fete" at his brother, Terry's house today. Gordy also did a scan of a few snaps for Gerry; we hope to make it there today as well.
I'm grateful that Oliva has a damn fine internal clock that wakes us up at 7:00 AM for FUD, and that Zach let's her do her job as he sits in his spot for the "OK" sign that it's breakfast time. I love my cats that are so loving and best friendsfamilyplaymatesnurturers extrodinaire and they are damn beautiful too.
I'm grateful that the sun is peaking through, even though sleep is still lacking in my body and I wanna crash, and get more zzzzzzzzz's, but if I am up, this sun is so rare and welcoming here in the GNL. Since I keep my windows open, the breeze lifts my spirits, and Zach turns in his cat condo towards the breeze for a good whiff o' lifestuff outside, birds, squirrels, leaves dancing, and the visiting cat or two....
I'm grateful that my bangs are growing back, finally, knock wood, after what seemed like an eternity, after dear Robin worked a process on my hair, my insistence when I read about it on the web, and it was way too harsh for my hair. Robin is a good stylist and friend in my life, and she treats me very very well.
I'm grateful that I can imagine being home (CT) with my Aunt Joan, Uncle Norm, Terri and her husband, Don, and their kids Jenna (with Haley!) and Donny Jr, and Missy, and Grace, although still in hospital, should be coming home soon, maybe Aunt Joan sprung her for the day? and they make the wonderful foods that I am used to and love...ahhhh, I feel the warmth and laughter and look forward to the games we play after the dessert, with coffee in hand....
I'm grateful that Kim hangs in there with me despite my being so "Broken" and whacky at best, while life is falling away from me, as is my body and mind...but somehow it may work out yet, through Clear Passage, dare to dream?
I'm grateful for all the noises Gordy makes, just loud man noises, that jar the nerves, but, mean he's here with me still, despite my breaking body and mind as stated above, and he lives with it daily. And Gordy is so good to not only chaffeur me to my Mom's in WSH, but to come in and visit and hug her, and make her feel wanted, Mom loves her men!
I'm grateful that I have inherited this amazing family, the Coale-clan, and their cacophony of life and family and rituals and general mayhem and bru-ha-ha at eat function. To witness this love, is brilliant. And the matriarch, Doris, well, she's getting so much better and laughs so much more easily, and I will be seeing her today and can't wait for a hug!!!
And Gordy's kids are so special to me. I fell in love with them pretty quickly when I met them, and I love to visit with them, and can't wait until Robby and his ladylove, Hannah, and hopefully Katie and Mikey and Colby too? come over for "our" thanksgiving at a later date. And dear Jenny is so far away in Colorado, while Billiamdear is even further in Iraq, and yet she's having a thanksgiving today and making a family of her friends, and she has Evan and Robyn to love and love and love and I can't wait until Robyn visits in March!!!
Ooopsie! I thought my appointment was at 3:00 with Marilyn today, but phoned on the dot, only to find out my appointment is actually at 4:00. Methinks Gordy will not be pleased to come home only to have to turn around again.
It probably would be fine for him to be here, but I am not as restricted or self-conscious if I get all loud and "cry-cry" or as I call it, "snot-nosed all messy cry" during a session, nor if I end up talking about him and our relationship. Yep, the conversation actually does go that way some times...or even more.
So, since we don't have a stereo or TV system down stairs that would block out my talking completely, even with his starting to lose some of his hearing, all those years of his going to concerts and staying too close to the speakers, I still will be unable to be totally me in the session, and I need to be able to talk and free-associate without fear that the walls have ears.
But, things have been plain nasty of late. My tummy has been acting up on and off, and today is definitey ON. Been doing that "eep" thing where I get a wee bit o' bile in the mouth, which doesn't bode well for me. I also have had little little sleep, especially last night, maybe about 1 hour of into sleep, then out back into the real world soon after, and it is playing more and more of a toll on my "cranky" and "snappish" levels -- I lose it really really quickly of late, and find I have to apologize a lot and that stinks.
OUCH -- gotta stop typing now. Dang CTS. Gotta make appt for cortisone ASAP.
Will try writing more later -- t-minus 5 minutes and counting 'til I phone Marilyn.
OK, back to some self-absorbtion healthstuff so if you don't want to hear more of the same, skip over this...as the sign says upon entering the Wicked Witch of the West's (aka Elphaba] forest;
I'd turn back if I were you...!
Still here?
Well, here I go. I had an appointment with my PCP [primary care physician] today. He's a special man and I'm thrilled that I found him. He has a wry sense of humor, is pragmatic, a listener extrodinaire, empathetic without getting drawn into my "crazy-making" du jour, a good diagnostition to figure out what is probably going on in my body, and is egoless regardng referring me to a specialist to, and as pure bonus, not too bad on the eyes -- especially when they twinkle and he gets that cat who ate the canary look.
Well, today's 15 minute appointment turned out to be close to an hour.
My last appointment I had to cancel due to painstuff, so there were issues that needed addressing. I basically get a two-for-one deal, since we talk about Mom and me both.
Regarding Mom, one idea I had turns out to be a bad, really bad one. I had hoped that WSH could get mom to be "sedate", meaning just shy of sedated, to get her on the Island in a private facility, and then have her MDs work on backing her off her medicine and fine-tuning it.
Well when I mentioned it to Dr. Waite, he said that this isn't going to happen. His take is that when Mom is finally discharged, she will be at the best combination of Rx she can be, and any messing with it could land her back at WSH -- which none of us wants to happen. So it's off the proverbial table [if it ever was on -- as I said, it was just an idea, voiced].
So that does not bode well for me, Gordy, chauffeur extrodinaire, or, most of all Mom. This is just awful. As of our last visit, I can't imagine her coming home anytime soon. As each day passes, she is slipping away from me. It is pretty unbearable to watch. And I know I don't actually feel her pain, spiritually, physically or emotionally, but in my heart, I think I do a pretty good job of getting it.
One of my issues growing up was that since Mom needed a special duality from me, which sort of mixed me up. She needed me to be "her mother", as her mother, Lillian, needed of her before me -- that perpetuation of "abuse" but in a more subtle way. The difference, and total mixed message piece of growing up, was Mom also wanted to live her life through me, i.e., it was her "2nd chance" since she was "the Momma".
Poor Mom, despite all her hopes when I was born, didn't have a "mini-me" through me.
I was a tomboy. I wasn't a flirt. I wasn't a "babe". I wasn't a multi-man-dater by choice, I preferred to be a one boy girl [I had long term relationships, and only tended to "date" in-between those special men in my life] -- I fell in love hard, and it was all I needed, I didn't want to "play the field".
To compensate for my wanting to stay with one person, Mom (and Dad supported her) insisted that If I was going to be allowed to date my first real love, Jim Finley, at age 14 [but it so absolutely not simple puppy love, think more Capulets and Montegues -- we were a couple for 4+ years, and for a long while after, stayed in touch, and occasionally tried to hook up again] that I HAD to date other people. We met via his brother. On friday nights, Gillman's was open until 9:00PM. So I had the house sans parents. But I was a "good girl" and got permission from the folks to have parties until they got home. Neil Denowitz, one of Jim's good friends, made me a strobe light, and I bought these gizmos you put in the lamp sockets, then add the bulb (I had colored ones), and they blinked off and on. We had food and soft drinks, and people could not drink or smoke in the house. We cranked the music up from Dad's stereo upstairs, he put a speaker in the wall downstairs, so music piped in. The parties were usually every other Friday, and people crashed.
Call it dumb youthful luck, but no one broke the rules, and the crashers were awfully well behaved, and it was a lot of fun.
Well Jim's brother, Tom, crashed the party, and we started to sort of see eachother-ish. Soon after, Jim came to a party and, wow, chemistry! He was cute and funny and into so many things I had no clue about. He was charming. When some of us girls would go to a dance, he'd show up. It was not long before we started to hang out together and "date". Remember, I'm 14, as was Jim, so we weren't really "mobile" then. He went to a different Jr. High than mine, and later a different High School. We used to meet and hang out after school at West Hartford Center where our store was. Oh it was so magic to feel that way about someone. He truly was a fantastic guy, and also, a "bad-boy" je ne sais quois way back in '67. He had "long hair". If you saw a photo of what "long hair" was in '67, you'd think I was nuts, but it was an issue of my parents. Too bizarre to think back on.
But, it really was a fine and true love. The first unconditional love I ever experienced in my life. He actually loved me despite so many differences, and the peer pressures on him, and oh, the letters he wrote, I never knew such poetry..sigh..but that's for another post, or for a diary methinks. The point was, Mom used to tell me over and over and over about how I was missing so much, and how much fun it was in her day when they went out as a group, or dated many different boys, and how she truly pitied me and my generation , and on and on and on....
So, the mandate to date others if I was to see Jim was a no brainer for me. I had to see Jim.
Jim knew the rules too, and so that's what I did. Most of the time we were going out, he did not see anyone else. That is pretty amazing methinks. But I did see others. It was sooo awkward on so many levels. Sometimes my dates were mere "beards", but some were real dates. If I had any fun, and there were times it was fun with someone else, I felt like total scum to have a good time. It was so messed up. I was so messed up by this edict. When Jim did see someone else, it truly made me upset, yet I had no "right" to be upset did I? So lots of emotions got mangled and tangled and repressed.
So doing things with or for Mom was a huge piece of my life, and of it's messiness.
All my life figuring out what was "right" proved to be a tough thing to discern, and it was difficult to feel my feelings, and think my thoughts, and to do what I needed to do to grow up, and to learn, and to explore. My life was so hard to live, or figure out. The messages were so mixed both incoming, and inside myself as I tried to make Mom happy with me, to love me in a way that felt real. Who the heck was I? What is me and what is Mom? [I'm not even going to touch the Daddy /daughter issues and pleasing him...oy]
I so desperately wanted to please my Mother, and have her love me, but I knew she wanted things of me that were not in my core being or nature.
Mom was not political, it figures I was very politically aware at age 14, and protested the Viet Nam war, way back when, and got permssion skip school and march Main Street in Hartford, and then heading up the ramp onto the highway and forming a human barrier (yes, I was in the front line, literally) stopping traffic on I-95.
Later on, in High School, being on the Student Council, and yet also being a "hippie peace-nik" was considered an oxymoron -- this is still the 60's. The Jocks v. the "freaks". Attitudes mirrored the way people seem to think today that a person can't do things that on the surface seem to be on different sides of the proverbail fence, i.e. people think today that a personca can not support the troops, and still not want a war. That, of course, is ludicrous. So some of my friends during "normal school hours" threw eggs at me during our vigils /march for peace. But when I tried to talk to Mom about these hurts and feelings, well, none of this was of interest to Mom, beyond, (yes, you guessed it) "in my day...I feel so sorry for your generation..." which made me really really angry, but I could only go so far with that anger before I had to back off, and go pouting upstairs to my room, or whatever it took to get away from the feelings I had.
So, to say the least, it was all very tangled up as to where she ended and where I began. I would play out my life often based on how to not do something to disappoint Dad or Mom. And, Dad always stayed "Dad", but Mom, not so much...she would often join my (and Jim's) friends in a discussion, or give advice, she was the "cool Mom" according to our friends. She "understood" and was open and easy to talk to. I'm sure she was if you weren't vying for her approval and love. Jim and I to this day recall that our friends might have come over while we were upstairs in our rooms, and we'd never know it until we went downstairs, and found them engaged in lively talks with our Mom. Lines were so blurred, and they also were a moving target.
A typical mixed message, was that during the summer before my Senior year in High School, my parents sat me down and gave me an ultimatum. Choose Jim Finley or us. Impossible, and so unfair. I ultimately chose them. But here it comes. When Dad was buying for the store in NYC, Mom would let me see him, but shhhhh, don't tell your father! OK, so I was happy happy happy, but, er, this us against Dad was uncomfortable, but on the otherhand, I could see Jim without sneaking around (yes, our deal was to drive by eachother's house, beep, and then meet in Elisabeth Park). I'm sure Dad had a clue, but his choice was to play it "dumb", so it wasn't overtly a mixed message. But Mom was a moving target. There were times that she still said no to seeing Jim, but it was because she wanted to live through me and have me date many different boys as before, all the while repeating how she "pitied my generation". This something that is ingrained in my wee grey cells, if she could only embrace my generation's differences, and intensity, and it's actually following through with the school message to question authority, and the difference we all actually made...but nope, she pitied us, at least back then.
Pleasing Mom was a life-time career. And, later as I went off on my own, she would say how she admired me, and how she could never do "that", and if she could do it over, she would not have kids, and push me emotionally and pull me emotionally until I had no clue if she really ever liked me very much at all. She always said "You are my heart..." and it's true. But I never felt it, nor did I know to whom she was referring. Was it some imaginary me? Or what is really me. And, frankly, I was confused as to just what pieces were truly me. What a mess.
I've been in therapy now long enough to rival Woody Allen. But, it actually was Marilyn who managed to figure out the source of most of my angst, and show me this major flaw that is a huge source of so much of my problems; it was this intense wall I had that defined and defended Mom.and.me. I remember the actual session where Marilyn took pen to paper and drew a visual reference, a diagram, [circles and arrows - nah, just kidding about the arrows - lame reference to Alice's restaurant...which, BTW, will be played this Thanksgiving, usually at noon, and this time, it will have a false ring to it I'm afraid to say, since the military has changed it's policy and will actually inlist felons] but leaving the Alice's Restaurant tangent, Marilyn was showing me visually, while explaining to me, that Mom and I over-lapped, and that I needed to be my own person, and Mom should be her own person -- not intertwined and overlapping eachother.
Marilyn and I actually managed to work on that separation, and on my not making decisions based on some old tape to please Mom, and we succeeded pretty darn well. I had my own identity, me.
I even changed my name to Zoe. It is Greek for life. It was a wee bit of freedom from not meeting Mom's expectations and "needs" for me to be a certain way, and live in an expected way, or think or feel or dress in a way that Mom needed to feel good, making up for when she was growing up.
But, this is what I'm leading up to. All that hard work is gone. Caring for Mom now, and legally being her "voice" since I am her Power of Attorney, and it creates a perfect set up for me to, well, have the old tapes take over again. And the catch-22 in all of this is many-fold. The more vulnerable I get, the easier it is to lose my hard won self. It is so hard to not be overly connected to her (again), and be overly protective of her, in an unhealthy way. I actually feel both sides of her illness, at least it feels that way to me. I empathise with her too deeply for it to be healthy, and yet, at the same time, I am supposed to be rational and make smart decisions for her. And, I don't, as an individual, think or feel the way she does, but having lived a life learning how she feels, and her preferences, I'm pretty good at knowing just what she probably would want.
I think I pull it off pretty well, and do the right things for her, and push issues for her, and it does help me understand her unspoken needs, and that "Mom-Daughter" connection is pretty intense, and it helps me to have more understanding of what she's saying, implying, asking, needs, et al, while she is unable to speak, communicate, her needs, her pain, her fears. I "empathize /intuit" frequentlyl surprise myself when I "get it" through her look, her manner, her tone, well just all of her Gerry-"isms".
But when all is said and done, after writing letters, or filling out documents, or attending meetings on her behalf, just being her advocate, when each task that comes before me is completed, or we leave for home after a visit at WSH, I am one messed up, beat down, human being.
I have lost not only a sense of self, but a whole lot of self-worth.
I'm sure that the emotions from our history together, and the ever-changing, unending quest to help Mom find some joy or peace in her life, is part of why my brain keeps going 24x7, so that sleep is a fond memory, and restorative sleep? a concept that dreams are made of [yes, all puns intended].
And physically. I am undone. Everything is at an apex. There is so little that is not hurting on my body. My hair doesn't hurt...that's good, yes? But on a bad day....
My mind is scary lately, very spooky in here.
There are lots of fits and starts, and missing words, and messed up sentences coming out of my mouth of late. I feel as if I'm not far from joining Mom at WSH. Dr Waite and I addressed it, the mess my speech and mind is, and he thinks it is due to lack of sleep, stress, pain, and certain medicines that I am on. He believes that as I get off some meds, it should be restored.
So, I have a lot of hope and pressure riding on going to Clear Passage. It is very scary to me. The last time I went on a trip, I drove to Westerbeke California, for a Peaceful Warrior and Life Purpose training with Dan Millman. The best best best part of it was meeting Crissi from Brisbane, Australia, who is one amazing lady, who I have to get in touch with soonest. She joined me driving back up to WA, via this or that way as our fancy dictated. I had some great CDs for the trip, and turned her on to Christine Lavin (and other folks, but absolutely Crissi became a Lavin fan-big time).
But that was in 94! The last time I went out and about was 12 years ago. Wow. So to go to a strange place, with no familiar faces, places, and energy to boot is pretty spooky. Also, doing body work this intense will certainly release a lot of emotions stored in these cells. It is not a trip that I am excited about taking, but I do have such hope that this trip may free up my body to heal some, maybe no more abdominal adhesions, or pain and ER trips and N/G tubes associated with it...or maybe less FMpain, and MPSpain, and TMD/TMJpain, and migraines and less less pain, and more flexibility, and movement, and maybe freedom from so many Rx I am taking, and that would be a blessing of amazing possibilities. So that will be good.
Leaving here, this time without even a "Daphne cat" to keep me centered, and out of myself while caring about a precious life, as in '90 when I did a job relo, and moved 3k miles West (she was so lovely, my Daphne, [we both flew 1st class, I bought her her own seat] she hung in there with me as I settled in Mukilteo and became more familiar with my work, and co-workers, at DEC in Bellevue. But I think she felt I was ok enough after about a year, and she was too sick to hang in there any longer for me, so, at 22, I had to put my dear friend down........] but, this trip to Clear Passage, I've no friends, no cats, not even the comfort of my own familiar "stuff", just the unknown, and an equal chance at success or failure.
The extra cherry on top is that I will be leaving Mom for 2 weeks! ...please she must stay safe during this journey, she absolutely must! This is some heavy and scary stuff.
So, now that I have gone off track, and off those tracks too, and heck, let's face it, I derailed in this free-association post, I think I'll stop for now, take a sleeping pill, and hope the sandman comes by, and this concoction of Rx and fantasy will quiet my busy brain, and I get some much needed zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's to keep going for the next task in the queue on the morrow.
But, this is pure truth; I am so very near bottom. I thought February 9th '06 was bottom when I moved Mom from here to HomePlace. And then, despite the horrors Mom and I faced together, such as when she was admitted to WSH, and went to St Clare, sounds of total fear incarnate still ringing in my head as they left her lips. There are so many more moments, or days of pure awfulness, but despite all that, I think I'm closer now to hitting "bottom" than ever before. I know there lay many more possible ways to go lower still.
So, despite it feeling like bottom, I'm learning not to bet on the only way to go from here is up.
I'm straddling being outside of the human race. I find it so hard to do much now except experience pain. So, each item I can tick off my list of things to do is a monumental action borne of sheer will, mixed in with some adrenaline, fear and occasionally momentum.
PSA for folks who have PCs and google email subscribers, the Kama Sutra email worm was sent out.
Google accidentally sends out e-mail worm
By Joris Evers Story last modified Wed Nov 08 17:00:24 PST 2006
Google on Tuesday inadvertently sent the Kama Sutra e-mail worm to the 50,000 subscribers of a Google Video e-mail group. Three postings were made Tuesday evening to an e-mail list that sends out postings to the Google Video blog. "Some of these posts may have contained a virus called W32/Kapser.A@mm--a mass-mailing worm," Google said in a note on its Web site apologizing for the incident.
W32/Kapser.A is better known as the Kama Sutra worm. Some antivirus companies raised an alarm about the threat in February, but it ultimately shriveled. Kama Sutra was designed to overwrite files on infected computers on a specific date. However, the worm, which spread under the guise of pornographic content, caused virtually no damage.
Google advises people who may have received the worm in e-mail or downloaded it from the group's Web site to run an antivirus program to remove it. The company is taking steps to make sure it doesn't make the same mistake again, it said.
The Google Video e-mail group is open to anyone. It had 50,025 subscribers as of Wednesday afternoon. The contents are advertised as interesting and fun videos from Google Video.
Google has had several mishaps lately. Its corporate blog has been hacked and, at one point, the company also accidentally deleted its official blog.
Another All-nighter. Time to talk about some very real issues that feel like a lose-lose no mattrer the course taken.
Yes, it has to do with Mom. i have been writing documents, answers, notes, doing just about anything I can so that I can be "heard" or listened to by the good folks at WSH.
I am not being sarcastic about the people being good at WSH. They really are very good. The problem lay in their inability to hear me, or maybe it's how I say it, but they always end up ignoring my words. It is easy to feel defeated and unimportant. I know Mom, they don't. I keep urging them to ignore words from UGH and/or HomePlace because some erroneous data was perpetuated, such as stating se is allergic to peanuts. I remember tryng to correct it at HP, then UGH, but despite their promses to fix it, it never is remedied. To them t isn't important, but for Mom, wth her world so small, to be allowed Peanut butter could potentially expand her diet a great deal. Puree's BBQ Pork can't be too palatable.
I spoke to Brian, the social worker, today, and I know he didn't get what I was proposing today as a way to get Mom readied to be checked out by faciliies, and maybe get accepted nearer to me.
Brian did repeat things I said or referred to impressions from what I wrote, so at least he is on the same page, but somehow, he never took it in. So yet another disconnect.
He's a really caring man, but, despite Mom's inability to meet their requirements to get her released using the techniques and medicine they've tried to date, somehow, even though he sees no sign of improvement, he feels that Mom responds well to care-givers, MDs, Rns, and tell the story about how she reacts well with him. He said that when he comes to visit, she perks right up and all smiles, and he holes her hand and they chat a bit.
I believe that this happens. In fact I could predict it. But this is a survival method of Mom's. She may or may not have recognition when she sees him, but since he's a man, and he wears at least a sport coat, she can guess that he is an authority figure at WSH, and so she wants to be charming, act well, and prove to him she's fine, and tries to impress on him that she's a "good girl" so she should be able to get home.
I know this to be true, This is behaviour I've been privy to all my life, and seen her modify this charm and be the good patient, and to not complain, so she can get home without any tests or diagnosis, or medicine. She uses with men, twinkling baby blues, and teasing, being coy, and the "Blanche DuBois" syndrome of "I always relied on the kindness of strangers..." behaviour to redirect THEIR focus, especally focus on her "bad" behaviour. She is much better at this "redirect" way of manipulating a situation than they are. But they go by what they see, and how she responds, and then I come in and toss the proverbial monkey wrench in their training and theories, and they see her be charming, and presume that this is her level of feeling good, when it is so contrary to appearances.
Mom gets either more docile, charming et al, to manage them to do what she wants, or she'll be loud and try to get attention, or then she'll be "the boss" or "cruise director", aka "get in their faces" and make demands, or try to rally the other residents to join her, so she can have "control" over her ever-diminishing world.
I also sound whacko when I tell them that when I'm alone with her, she often "shares" issues with me that never come up between them. Her guard can stll come down with me, but to the staff, I just sound loco, since I'm the only one who hears it.
So I have no crediblity.
I try to use Gordy as my "beard" and have him be the "voice of reason" and tell them things, and they usually listen to him, but he's not assertive enough so it isn't taken as seriously either. Time is not our friend. We need Mom to move sooner than later back to a facility local to me.
I would post my correspondence in this blog, but out of context it doesn't make much sense, and it truly does need context.
I am really overwhelmed and depressed and find it difficult to even sleep, but once asleep, to wake up is about as much as I can do. I am so far behind on everything in my life. And there is nothing that makes me joyful anymore.
I don't want to talk to my MD about it, because to add more Rx, or increase my dosage, well, I just don't feel it is right for me. Speaking of medicine, I also think that my pain levels are increasing, partially due to the barometric changes, but I think I'm building up an immunity to it now, and will have to chat with my other MD to see if it makes sense that my Rx needs adjustment, but that's not something I want to do either.
I am just a blob of pain and brainlessness and unhappy...plua I still haven't found a way to be finally lstened to by them (WSH), or be able to think up a way to get Mom home (i.e. an idead they can agree to). So, a whole lotta self-destruction set in. I am back to creating more chaos in my house, i.e. the environment reflecting my internal disarray...or my withdrawal from the "real world" except to address criss that come up, and then just crawl back into myself.
I have seemed to have found myself in a rut and there is little incentive to try to crawl out of it. Responsibility seems to be my driving force for even waking up.
oh dear, i'm babblng and am exhausted. I have to come back to edit this, or if I still am this low and apathetic, it stays as is. Feel free to avoid reading this.
I need sleep, maybe the sleepng pill is taking a bit o' effect, so I'll stop writing now so I don't miss the few zzzzzzzzzzz's I coulde try to catch.
There is still some nail-biting ahead re: the Senate race, yet I'm not even going to think about it as it will all be gravy--instead, ain't it grande to make history with the very first female
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, Miz Nancy Pelosi !!!
[Standing O! *clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*clap*] Nancy Pelosi looks way fierce here, sort of like, shall I say it?, a warrior princess; "eeeeayyyyahalalalalalalalalalalala"...!
Nancy Pelosi
Interested in who this history-maker is? Link here for a bio ##
MoveOn Offers $250,000 Reward for Evidence Leading to Voter Fraud Conviction
11/7/2006 5:21:00 PM To: National Desk, Political Reporter
Contact: Trevor Fitzgibbon, Laura Gross or Alex Howe, 202-822-5200, all for MoveOn.org Political Action
WASHINGTON, Nov. 7 /U.S. Newswire/ -- MoveOn.org Political Action is offering a $250,000 reward for new material evidence leading to a felony conviction for an organized effort of partisan voter suppression or electronic voting fraud.
Throughout the day accusations of election fraud and voter suppression incidents have been flooding into state and federal authorities throughout the country. In Virginia, the FBI has launched a criminal investigation into charges of voter suppression. In 20 Congressional districts, NRCC robocalls appearing to come from Democrats harassed voters with repeated calls in an apparently coordinated campaign to suppress the vote.
Complementing an earlier reward for whistleblowers, MoveOn's reward is being offered to anyone who provides this information.
Some polling places and some mail ballot drop boxes have been adversely impacted by the current flooding. Local election officials have been responding. For more information, go to your county election official's web site for the latest information and phone numbers: Washington County Auditors
There are issues heard also about turning away people who do NOT have their ID, if you're home, and able to still vote, stop reading this, and get your ID and boogie out and vote, be heard.
BTW, in another, not so natural crisis, not all states with voting machine issues are treating it equally by extending vote time to 10:00PM. But, despite it not being fair, or in the spirit of everyone having the change to be heard via voting, at least it is consistent, at least as of now, within each state.
And, lastly, if you have the opportunity, and get the Comedy Central channel, then 11:00 is an hour to tune in and watch a live show of Jon Stewart, The Daily Show with Stephen Cobert, the Cobert Report, with special guest, Dan Rather! What a hoot it will be. Enjoy the fun. ##
The web is fun to surf...I started out reading my real live hard copy of the magazine of RollingStone [oooh this cover is a keeper], which had a contest to vote for Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert for best fake news reporting.
All but that most recent clips were voted on, and it's tied 2-2. I did my bit, I urge you to vote before it's too late, and it's good practice for absentee ballots or voting on Tuesday:
Every Vote Counts -- so add yours now, but please, y'all come back now for the rest of my post..
..so I watched all the clips they had links to, even those that were closed contests, but, yesiree-bob, I got to be a "decider" too on the last (aka the first clips you see on top of the column)..but while I was there, I wandered around...
I window shopped at a few sites, and ultimately, linked to:
Ain't phones during election season grande? I know I got some calls that are ludicrous, slandering Maria Cantwell and calling her unpatriotic too, and frankly, she's not my favorite representative, I have issues with her as well on some things, but, anyone using computer calls to slam a candidate, where there can be to exchange of ideas, i.e. dialogue, well, Maria has gained points in my book.
There is a lot inherently wrong with not saying good things on about your [Republican] candidate on a computer message [maybe there isn't anything good to say?], instead, to toss out accusations about someone's "CHARACTER", not record, hoping to get me all emotional about how scary this world is because she didn't vote to have "the great wall of america" put up all around land borders.
Sure, I'd love it if all politicians were like Patty Murray -- I really really really like that woman, but we vote for those that can represent us as close to what we want, and besides this is Maria's year for re-election, so she'll get my vote, especially since I didn't get to speak to a person about their nastygram.
And then there is my having voluteered Gordy and myself to phone for district 8, vote for Darcy even though she worked at Microsoft BTW, but, due to Gordy being sick (ain't that a change) we didn't call last night, but might try today...at least we're live people, and can have a conversation, and we don't want to call any candidate unamerican, dang, it's absolutely American to have ideas other than "the one idea, my presciousssssss"...but here's where the great fun comes in:
Robert Redford phoned me, and Bill Clinton Phoned me!!!
Ain't technology grande? Hmmm, I can't wait to hear who's next on the other end of the [party] line? ##
For now I'm going into avoidance aka denial mode, so I'll be posting things that do not have to do with Mom's healthstuff etc...but will have to "dump core" anon.
I'm not sure what happened, but I had made a post, with this song in it, but, a la murply's law, it went *poof* so hetre's take II.
If you don't know Susan Werner yet, she's a chanteuse extrodinaire. If we hadn't been so exhausted and broke after our TestingTesting show featuring Christine Lavin at South Whidbey High, we had the offer from FlemTam to put Susan in the queue. if we only knew her work back then, we would have at least booked her for a later date...but, we didn't -- 20/20 hindsight.
Anyhoo, check this song out which really really captures how I feel about my country, I think it's great, and I support our men and women who are having to fight because of of deception promoted re: WMD, but methinks this country can be really dysfunctional and, "strange":
We salute the Grammy nomination of the late great
Dave Van Ronk's final concert album: 
